My weiner scratching friend

I woke up this morning and dragged myself into the kitchen with my mini-dachshund ‘dogging’..haha...my footsteps.
He does that. It’s because dachshunds....at least I’m told this.....pick out someone in the family to be their best good friend, as Forrest Gump would say, and well I guess I am his best good friend....I appear to be the chosen one.........he follows me everywhere. He follows me to pee, he follows me outside, to the mailbox, to the refrigerator....its enough to make you scream...........QUIT FREAKIN FOLLOWING ME AROUND YOU LITTLE TURDBALL......

My family loves Harrison. That’s the turdball’s name. I don’t really know why. I mean I don’t know why they love him....I know why his name is Harrison

His functional specialty is to lay around and sleep, unless of course his best good friend, me, is going somewhere.......like to pee or shave, he will wake up for that....no sirreeeee not gonna miss anywhere that I’m going although it’s exactly the same routine every time....I figure he’s watched me pee about 9,124 times in the past 10 years........never seems to get bored...........he stinks too.......I mean really stinks.......we bathe him but he still stinks like a dog three days later.

He eats people food cuz my wife read on the internet that it’s better than processed dog food. She said it wouldn’t be any trouble.......she said this knowing of course that I am the one he follows around everywhere, being his best good friend and all...........

He was a little late this morning meeting up with me in the kitchen ....that’s because each morning he has an annoying habit of stretching his back legs out on the carpet and dragging his weiner dog weiner across the carpet. Turdball uses his front legs to drag the extended hind legs and his weiner across the top of the carpet for about 30 feet at a time...........one tough weiner.......I mean weiner dog.......he can’t drag his mini-nuts cuz they are gone...hehehe, got him on that one............ all in all the whole episode of the morning stretch and weiner scratching is about as annoying as Jim Carrey on amphetamines.

I mean Harrison really has nothing going for him....he’s not too bright really....he was the runt of the litter and the very last pick, just like the poor kid that gets picked last when kids are choosing sides for a game.......ever notice how people talk about how smart their dog is?...not mine....dumb as a Stallone movie. When he is upset with me he pees on the carpet.....and my wife runs to clean it up telling him in ‘babykins’ language how it is all ok really.......he’s fat too.....

But...everyone in my family loves Harrison. Every one of my friends that comes to the house loves Harrison....I mean if I peed on the floor or dragged my weiner across the carpet every morning or stank as bad as turdball stinks....I mean nobody...NOBODY would love me!

Now he’s just laying there giving me the evil eye....like he knows I’m ranting on him.......

I need a big ol Pit Bull or Snottweiler or something besides this little, gay, smelly, weiner dragging best good friend of mine............Gotta go his highness wants people food in his bowl.........right now.