Cracked in the Head

What sort of moron drops a barbell on his head?

Me.

I dropped 175 pounds on my head this morning.

I do a classic track athletes workout. Serious running on the track on M-W-F. Full body weight workouts on T-Th. It’s a lot like a college class schedule I guess. I get to drink and hang out on the weekends just the same as back then.

Actually I am usually so worn out by the weekend that I just try to sit still and recover.

I have more to recover from now.

Here is what an incline bench press looks like.


I was using one of those this morning at my 24 Hour Fitness. At the end of the 4th set of 10 reps I lifted the left side of the barbell onto the left hook on the stand. I believed the right end was also over the right hook. I was wrong. When I turned it all loose the bar came down at an angle striking me dead on top of the noggin, spilling the right side weight to the floor, the bar went sliding down, following the path of the weight.

I appears that I am the exact kind of moron that can drop a barbell on his head.

It was early and being blessed, at least in a microscopic way, there were not a lot of people around at the time and the music is always SO LOUD that it seemed like no one noticed.

Believe me, I didn’t rub my head or act hurt in any way…the first order of business was to make sure no one saw it happen! Every soul I could eyeball seemed totally preoccupied with their image in a mirror. Thank God for the overwhelming stench of narcissism inside 24 Hour Fitness!

I reassembled the bar and weights with the sort of detachment that would signal to the world that I intentionally drop barbells on my head as a matter of course. Everyone stand back, nothing to see here, I did it on purpose…..hehe….feeling like Barney Fife without a bullet.

After the weights were back in place I walked around a bit hoping no one could actually see the cartoon birds flying circles around my head. I seemed to be OK other than a little rattled and embarrassed.

I went back to the crime scene and sat down on the bench. I looked up at the devil bar and could not believe my eyes. Attached to the peened / serrated center of the bar was a tuft of my hair that had been pulled out of my head by the impact of the bar and was left hanging there on the bar, its only possible purpose was to further embarrass, taunt and amaze me and leave a tale to be told to future suffering grandchildren time after time after time.

Of course so far as the grandkids go I will change the story so it is actually an authentic barbell dropping moron and not their grandfather in the story. I believe I was only a substitute moron today, not the real thing….it’s like a sub teacher you don’t really know anything about the subject but once in a while you have to fake teaching it. As far as I’m concerned I was just faking the moron act this morning.

My head has a skinned place and my neck hurts a little which is damning physical evidence that substitute teachers should be paid every cent the regular teachers are paid.

After 30 more minutes of intense draining weight work and a narcissistic look or two or seven in the mirror I was back to normal and confident my massive moronic slip had gone undetected, like a redwood falling into an empty forest, or at least a forest filled with loud ear splitting gangsta music like my forest of narcissism plays nonstop.

I went to the locker room and gathered my things. I walked out onto the gym floor to head for my car feeling perfectly normal again.

I was flagged down by an awesomely cute blonde in painted on tight workout gear....drop dead my God you look impossibly gorgeous, about 22 years old……with green eyes, a vision made on one of God’s very best days…..who said to me:

“That was awful the way that bar crashed down onto your head that way. We were all so worried for you. Are you OK?”

Crap, crap,craaaaap....…M-Fekrrr….*&$##)$*%&a*@$*_$(#;&*##)*&#)$$