Elderly Man Arrested For Driving Like A Young Man

Rick Satire Report News
Dallas Police Headquarters
Dallas, Texas

Police in Dallas reported yesterday that an elderly man, 87 years of age, was arrested for driving like a young person.

The driver, Holcumb Stanley, said he had no idea why the patrol officer was pulling him over.

Dallas PD officer Anthony ‘Radar’ Brightone said the dispatcher had received a flurry of calls from cell phone users describing an elderly man driving as if he were young.

One caller told the dispatcher that the elderly man was driving faster than the speed limit and did not have a turn signal stuck in a continuously blinking position. Officer Brightone said it is unusual for a man of Stanley’s age to be doing either one of these things, which according to Brightone, “naturally raises a person’s suspicions.”

Another caller said she had observed Stanley turn into a parking lot without once stopping his vehicle while only part way into the lot.

Yet another outraged caller declared that Stanley did not pull out in front of him at a slow rate of speed when he had the opportunity.

After jailing Stanley, Officer Brightone explained that he is required to protect the public’s safety and can’t simply ignore an elderly man driving like a young man. He explained, “It’s far too dangerous for the average driver that has come to expect a normal pattern of elderly driving behavior from a man his age.”

Mr. Stanley, following his release, said he will ride around with his elderly cousin Jeremiah to get a better feel for what is required of him.

End of Rick’s Report