Elvis Impersonator Confesses to Burnout

Rick Satire Report News
Las Vegas, Nevada

Elvis impersonator Johnny Hey-man sat with his head down. Patrons in the local diner took notice of his elaborate Elvis costume, but elected to steer clear of his table.

In the past two weeks Mr. Hey-man had been in a depression and had confessed to me over the phone that he was just plain ‘burned out’ with the whole Elvis thing.

I agreed to meet Johnny at the Dennys on Tropicana Trail in Las Vegas to hear his story.

“Man, it seems like yesterday that it was all so fresh. All I ever wanted to be was the best Elvis impersonator ever. All my life that’s all I ever really wanted. When I was on stage I was Elvis and the crowd knew it” said Hey-man. “Now look around you and you see dammed Elvis impersonators everywhere. I’ve even seen some chicks trying to do Elvis. For God’s sake man, one of them was wearing red fingernail polish and doing the Man!”

I looked around the Denny’s and just like Johnny was telling it, there were two other Elvises at the back of the dining room. They looked happy though, and Johnny was clearly a man in a free fall.

Johnny went on with his story, “I mean I know all the lyrics to every song and I used to practice all day on Saturdays in my garage when I was young, nowadays these kids don’t even really know the songs. You know for sure things have hit the shit fan when you see some fat Japanese dude singing Blue Suede Shoes, except the dumbass is singing Brue Suede Shoes. I can guarndamntee you that the Man never said Brue Suede Shoes!”

“I’m tired now, too many high school gyms playing to kids that never saw Elvis. I even took a birthday party not long ago and one of the kids asked me if I was Paulie from the Sopranos. It wears on you man, you know? I mean like I’m just burned out with the whole Elvis thing, and I never thought that would happen.”

The waitress came over and and with a big Nebraska corn fed grin asked Johnny, “Say there Mister Elvis Presley, would you like some more coffee?”

Johnny raised his head slightly and mumbled “Thank you, thank you very much.” But from this reporters perspective it was clear that his heart just wasn’t in it.

“Now I know why the Man did all those drugs” said Johnny, “Being the Man is hard hard work.”

After a long pause Johnny looked up at me with sad tired eyes and asked, “You ever think about dying while you’re sitting on the pot, man that’s the way to go aint it?”

I picked up the check and told Johnny this one was on me.