United Nations Welcomes Karr and Jeffs as Peacekeepers

Sevens' Satire Report News
United Nations, New York City

In a stunning announcement today the US federal government said that John Mark Karr and William Jeffs will not face trial. Instead both will be reassigned to the United Nations at the request of Koffi Annan the United Nations Secretary General.

The US government says its motivation for avoiding trial of the two men is to avoid the expense of long public trials. Jeffs is accused of arranging marriages for and having sex with minor children as part of his religious practices. John Mark Karr, previously held for confessing to the murder of Jon Benet Ramsey continues to be held on child pornography charges.

According to government prosecutors, the United Nations will be a very good fit for both men. The world body recently admitted its UN peacekeepers in the Congo have routinely raped and sexually abused female war refugees including young female children. The UN admits such crimes extend into the past more than a decade in locations around the world. Various U.N. reports and interviews with humanitarian groups suggest that international peacekeeping missions are creating a predatory sexual culture among vulnerable refugees from relief workers who demand sexual favors in exchange for food to U.N. troops who rape women at gunpoint.

An anonymous federal prosecutor said, “Jeffs and Karr fit quite well into this culture and it allows us to avoid the great expense of trials for both.”

Discussions with Jeffs and Karr have led to plea bargains. According to my sources, both men are excited about the possibility of serving the United Nations.

Koffi Annan commented that both will make valuable additions to the United Nations culture of rape and pedophilia. However, he also lamented that he did not know how sharp either’s graft skills might be. Said Annan, “Graft and corruption may be something we need to teach them to create a fully functioning United Nations representative, one capable of rape and pedophilia and simultaneously accepting under the table money for selling their victims as sex slaves on the open market.”

“All these training goals will take time of course,” Annan added.