" I'll Just Use A Big Stick "

Seven's Satire Report News
San Francisco, California

The Foundation for Eliminating Electronic Controls has released their findings from a 2 year government funded study. Their report suggests the use of remote controls reduces the number of steps taken and the calories burnt by the remote user. Working from a 7 million dollar grant by the US government the Foundation studied the behavior of subjects using a remote control to change their television signal and a separate study group that was not using a remote control. According to the data gathered those who were using the remote controls got up and walked to their television sets less frequently than the non-remote group. The researchers theorize that this is the result of being able to control the signals remotely. According to Tom Malone the leader of the study team “The non-remote group was forced to get up and walk over to the television set and change the channels manually since they were not given a remote.”
Startling as this information proved to be, Malone said the group was also surprised to learn that the remote control users switched channels far more times than the non-remote users.
According to Malone the study offers conclusive proof that those viewing television with a remote control burn fewer calories than those not using a remote. Malone said his group will offer guidelines that require remote controls to have a distance limitation built into their circuitry. “If we can end up with a remote that only works if used within 12 inches of the television, we know people will have to get up and move to within 12 inches of the set and change the channel the old fashioned way, the way we did it before we all became fat and lazy,” said Malone. He added, “This way Americans will become less obese.”

Malone’s group is expecting additional government funding to study anecdotal evidence that alligators prefer eating fat Americans rather than skinny Americans. He said the organization will change its current name to more accurately reflect the nature of the alligator study. According to Malone there is sufficient evidence to suggest that gators are more attracted to the fat cells of the obese. “If we can prove this, it will give Americans more reason to become skinny” said Malone.

Interviewed in his living room by Seven’s reporters, Max Sizeout said he felt the study about remote controls was just plain silly. The 5’-5”, 427 pound Sizeout said his remote broke a long time ago, but a 15 foot bamboo fishing pole he rigged up works very well for cycling through his televisions buttons. Max asked of no one in particular, “What are they gonna do next, ban fishing poles? If they do, I’ll just use a big stick off my pecan tree.”

According to Peter Wisenhimmer, the government spokesman for government funding of illogical projects, the government has funded far more stupid studies in the past. According to Wisenhimmer, “To point at this project in particular is a clear partisan effort by those that resist change and positive encouragement in the face of destructive behaviors. While we may believe that we know many things intuitively, the wise use of well spent money from US citizens has over the years revealed many things to be true that we expected were true from the beginning. It is a very settling feeling to give comfort to all Americans that they were right to begin with and I know they feel vindicated.”
I told Wisenhammer this sounded like a masterful verbal sleight of hand to fool the less sophisticated listener.
He said “Thank You.”