From my sources

What are you doing here? Don’t you know it’s a holiday weekend?

Well, OK, I did get a little news in yesterday from my vast network of sources.

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I had a report from a New Orleans source that the ‘south rising again revolt’ will have to be postponed by the local rednecks until next year. Apparently the ‘south will rise again’ headquarters lost its facilities and all of the confederate flags and bumper stickers were destroyed in the Katrina storm. According to a spokesman the organization does not believe it can actually overthrow the government this year, “We are in a weakened position without the flags,” he said. One of the group’s members suggested using Yugoslavian flags and telling the public that they were redesigned confederate flags. The idea was shelved however because the organization’s capital funds had been exhausted buying a fake inspection sticker for the pick-up truck.

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A friend that recently bought a new high definition television, widely known as ‘HD – TV’, tells me that there is still only crap on television but the crap is much sharper now.

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A government funded study, to be released next month, reports that gambling losers in Las Vegas suffer unhappiness after gambling to a greater degree than winners. This is useful according to the Federal Trade Commission. Officials are considering adding a warning sticker to all gaming tables, reading “Warning – Losing while gambling at this table can result in personal disappointment.”

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Finally, I have been made aware of a recent heart health study. To date the results have not been released. According to the researchers, taking two aspirin with a fifth of bourbon reduces a person’s awareness that they are experiencing a heart attack.

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OK, OK, I know, give me a break; I’m still coasting through the holiday.