Monday, December 04, 2006

Thinning the Herd

I told a friend of mine yesterday that there are more violent deaths in California each day than there are in post war Iraq each day, based on yearly averages. This was first reported by a Los Angeles Times reporter. I don’t vouch for the reports accuracy. My life is too busy to do the research.

My friend said he has a bizarre notion that he usually doesn’t mention to folks. This of course got my attention and I asked for more detail. My friend just turned 70 and he told me he believes some dying in accidents is necessary to thin the herd of people or we would be in an over population situation. Hmmm….that is kinda bizarre. I told him it might make some sense if it was all old people that die in accidents and never a young child or pregnant mom and so forth. He agreed. In fact we decided it could be a big benefit to Dr. Kevorkian’s work.

I proposed a fun new National Holiday to my friend. Since us seniors have lived a good long life and some of us don’t want to spend any time in nursing homes or being cared for in a decrepit state, why not create a day where old folks, say aged between 60 and 90 years old could go out and drive like holy hell on the highways? They would have a lot of fun pretending they are NASCAR drivers, ignoring warning signs and generally try to meet their demise in a high speed blaze of glory. We would naturally keep the children and pregnant women at home. Well, for that matter lets just say no one under 60 years of age is allowed on the streets that day. Even the emergency personnel could be the retired cops and firemen working one last time; after all saving lives is oxymoronic to the day.

Here are my rules:

  1. No sustained speeds below 80 miles per hour.
  2. No adherence to warning signs.
  3. Extra points given for head-ons.
  4. Braking allowed only to create a better target for others.
  5. Telling emergency personnel to “please hurry” will be considered bad form.
  6. Emergency Room hospital workers will be given the day off.
  7. No donors of body parts. All the parts are too old.

Pat has recommended the following additional rules:
8. No driver license required.
9. Corrective lenses optional.
10. Cellular phones, game boys, portable DVD players and other distractions allowed.
11. Smoke 'em if you've got 'em, stroke 'em if you've got 'em.
12. Intoxication and/or chemical alterations recommended.

I even have a name for the holiday. National Old Folks Speed Driving Day. I made a poster.

Lets thin the herd a little and leave the kids out of the deal. Of course the nursing home entrepreneurs won’t like this one bit. Let’s make sure their lobbyist participate in the first holiday.


Rick said...

And where will you be in five years? Behind the wheel, or behind the curtain?
Remember "Don't trust anyone over 30?" "Hope I die before I get old?" "Will you still love me, when I'm 64"?

Personally, I'll be watching on tv.

patti_cake said...

My Dad says when he gets ready to surrender his license he is going to go out and drive like all the assholes he has encountered over the years and let the chips fall where they may. I don't think he is serious though.. I don't THINK he is....

Anonymous said...

Read Thomas Malthus. It is one of the coldest documents about thinning the herd. He believes God intends this so that the food supply stays in check. Many elderly drive better than 16 years olds.

Rob said...

If you want some insight as to how "the tree of life is self pruning", check out how some folks are quite creative in thinning the herd at

Anonymous said...

You forgot these rules:

No driver license required.
Corrective lenses optional.
Cellular phones, game boys, portable DVD players and other distractions allowed.
Smoke 'em if you've got 'em, stroke 'em if you've got 'em.
Intoxication and/or chemical alterations recommended.

I'm sure there are more...

Seven said...

I'll be in the big ass Hummer with bulletproof glass.

Be sure to alert him about the new holiday.

Cool site. Thanks

Duly noted and incorporated into the post.

Shy Gal said...

This smacks of Kurt Vonnegut and his humane and ethical visions of the future.

Suicide parlors are his idea of thinning the herd and would save everyone else the bother and mess of dealing with someone else's "goodbye cruel world" histrionics.

That said... I'll be watching from an overpass!

Seven said...

Shy Gal,
I have the next 5 years to join you. Lets choose a good one. Maybe the Summit Bridge? Photos?

Enemy of the Republic said...

I had heard that about California. People think they are God in their cars, and in California, the car is crucial. I'm not sure if this is what you meant in your post or not, but I always try to remember that I will be over 65, God willing, and all these young whippersnappers will be cursing me!
So unless their driving is posing a danger, they've earned their right to take their time. In a way, I am quoting my mom who always said: I'm old now, so I can do what I want. And she did.

Anonymous said...

Well, now you've done it. I warned you about this in the past, and you've done it anyway!! I'm officially, deeply, personally offended. You, Sir Seven, are an ageist . . . well, meanie!!

Look, I've just discovered how fun it is to be old enough to get away with some social faux pas that are frowned on by younger folks. I've just begun to be personally offensive and get away with it because I'm old. And I like it that many people think I'm smart just because I'm old! Now you come along with this!! I'm tellin' ya, old age is a hoot and a half!

Listen, if we're gonna thin the herd, let's simply tag all the baddies in prison or headed there? How about all the snotty teenagers? Not the nice ones, of course. I'll bet teenagers would begin to snap to!! Or how 'bout . . . hey! hey! I got it! Let those of us over 60 ID who goes racing . . . after all, we are smart! We are really, really smart!!

Seven said...

My opinion is some elderly drivers DO pose a danger...but that's another story/post I guess. I think the problem is not that people get old, but that the automobile is a prehistoric albatross of glass, rubber and steel that we are forced to drag around with us for a lifetime!

Now just simmer down my sweet, I was only extending my friends bizarre thought into the realm of nonsense. And as some like to say, "Some of my best friends are old."
As a matter of fact I think you have hit on a revisionist concept to my nonsense that might actually make sense. The criminals could be sentenced to drive on the holiday and we could rename it "National Bad Persons Fast Driving Day,"...I Like It. Save the decrepit, smelly, forgetful, no longer useful old people and sentence the criminals...brilliant! Don't forget I am 55!

Anonymous said...

Alright. Since you put it so sweetly, I'll calm down. Yeah . . . save the worthless, expend the slimey. I like that!! ;-)) Never a dull day with you! I like that, too!

In a bit (but only a little teeny bit) of seriousness, I wonder what groups might be nominated by the committee that is your reading audience? What types do people see as expendable? Could a concensus be reached?

Seven said...

BEG also uses the phrase "never a dull day with you'. But for some reason she says it with a sense of weariness and resignation?
Consider the floor open for debate of our society's most expendable. No political party expression allowed. I know I'm a party pooper.

Reach said...

the concept is great; however the timing is off. The day in proposal is already in existance and it is not a holiday. We call it, "LA Traffic". In fact, I do believe each of your rules apply; except, we also allow weapons (semi-automatic of course) and the inability to see over the dash, the hood of the vehicle in use, and lastly the sky. Additionally, we encourage car pooling- only when multi-vehicle colisions are planned.


Rhea said...

I love this! Hilarious! I want to promote Old Folks Speed Driving Day.

Seven said...

Maybe we could have our holiday in the other 50 states? Semi-automatics seem appropriate with moving targets. Better yet, one of those fancy new semi-automatic shotguns with a longer range choke might be good too.

Wonderful to have you. Your vote will be cast on a Florida punch ballot by an elderly retired Floridian. If that is alright with you?

Rhea said...

OK, as long as there are no Hanging Chads.

Seven said...

I understand there are many Chads that are considered hung.