Thursday, November 10, 2005

The Extraction of 'Big Cav'

Fort Worth, Texas

John Cavens required the help of his fellow citizens yesterday. Fortunately for him, they were willing to use their wits and muscle to help him out of his predicament.
According to witnesses, several men, after learning of John’s predicament, formed a ‘tug-of-rope’ style line to perform the needed extraction.

John, who is known to his friends as ‘Big Cav’, had gone to Barnes and Noble in the hopes of spending a leisurely Sunday morning reading.

John, who weighs 303 pounds, explained to reporters that he had found just the right book, a special collector’s edition of batman comic books, and wanted a place to sit and read.
“I went to Barnes and Noble expecting that my day would be normal” he said. “But then I never dreamed that I wouldn’t be able to get out of a chair once I was in it.”

“I'm a little heavy for my height”, he explained. “But the real problem is there is a large depressed hole in the center of all of these chairs. The chair I was in had a much bigger recess than normal, and it lowered my center of gravity so much that I couldn’t get out by myself. And besides I was about to pee my pants anyway, which is why I was trying to get out in the first place. Tugging on my arms like those good people did was just too much for me to hold it.”

John told his story still wearing his saturated pants. He seemed apologetic, but felt everyone would understand that it wasn’t his fault really.

A Barnes and Noble spokesperson, Lydia James, said that all Barnes and Noble chairs have a very large ‘hollowed-out’ recess in them. “Everyone that comes to Barnes and Noble knows this,” she explained. “We have many small people that once they sit down, we can’t see anything but their heads and their feet. The problem we have is that it is the very large people like Mr. Cavens that have caused the problem by creating the large recesses in the first place. You don’t see the small people having trouble getting out, and hell, we can barely even see them in there!” Ms. James went on to say that “It is Mr. Cravens fault in fact, sort of like whining over pissing your own pants, it seems to me.” At this point a Barnes and Noble executive called her away from the phone and the interview ended.

Attorneys for Mr. Cravens later said that their client would have no further comment on the issue. They did tell this reporter that they are undertaking a systematic measuring of the recesses in the chairs and will compare their findings to weight and height data for the American public. One of the attorneys, Mark Buttons, said “The executives at Barnes and Noble have been sitting in borrowed time with this outrageous chair situation”. He added that "Many people feel the opportunity for increased income from lost change in the cushions is the motivating factor in Barnes and Noble continuing to use the worn out chairs.”

“This is by no means a closed issue” warned Mr. Buttons. “Our client has a reasonable expectation of not having his member pulled on, resulting in his wetting his own pants in public.”

Barnes and Noble declined further comment until a new spokesperson has been hired.

Contacted at his home in Florida, radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh said that he is far too important to go to Barnes and Noble. However, in the spirit of capitalism, he said he would have his small people go and look into the chairs for loose change.

Democratic strategist James Carville, when contacted at his home, screamed some things at me about something. However, I have no idea what he was saying. His wife, Mary Matalin, encouraged him to put the phone down before he hurt himself.

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