Saturday, November 19, 2005

There Oughta be a Law

Fred waited patiently in line at the will call window at the ballpark. This was going to be a fantastic evening at Ameriquest Field in Arlington. The Rangers were playing the Yankees and the game was being broadcast nationwide on television over ESPN.

His ticket for the game had been purchased months before when he realized it was a nationally televised game. His seat was on the very first row behind home plate just slightly to the umpires right of home plate.

When Fred reached his seat the Yankees were taking the field for the bottom half of the first inning. He hated that he was slightly late, but the traffic had been heavier than he expected.

The camera positions were also slightly different than he had expected. There was a camera at the end of the first base dugout. He noticed a second camera in the mezzanine level of the third base side, but of course the camera of most importance to Fred was the center field camera mounted at the right side of Greene’s Hill approximately 435 feet from home plate. That was the camera that mattered.

He felt his heart begin to race. His fingers were trembling as he punched the numbers into his cell phone. He was calling his best friend George, and of course George was expecting him.

“Hey George, I’m here dude, this seat is awesome. Tell me dude, where is the camera pointing right now?” When he knew it was pointing toward home plate, at least according to George, Fred jumped to his feet and began waving furiously with his right hand. He was virtually hopping up and down while waving until George told him that the camera had switched to the pitchers face.

“Now”, George had screamed into the phone the instant the producer switched back to the center field camera. “Now Fred, now” he yelled. Fred once again stood up and waved and waved and hopped up and down.

Fred never saw the police coming down the aisle. He was too busy waving to the camera, the important center field camera that would allow him to tell all of his friends he had been on national television.

After the handcuffs were on, the police escorted Fred to a holding cell within the ballpark to await his transfer to the city jail.

Much to Fred’s surprise and dismay, the police told him that the city’s ‘Committee for Suppression of Dumb-Ass Behavior in a Public Place’ had that very morning passed the ordinance that dealt with his antics.

‘Crap’ was the only expression Fred could think up and that’s what he said to the police. “Crap”. Then after some very serious thought, he added “If only I had bought a ticket for the Orioles series earlier this year. One of those games was televised too!”

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