Sunday, November 26, 2006

Confusion De-Scrambler Cap

Seven's Satire Report News
Men's Institute for Awareness
Hope, Arkansas
Scientists at the Men’s Institute for Awareness have announced a breakthrough in communication equipment. The scientist report they have combined female voice stress levels, voice frequency, voice inflection and voice volume into a complex algorithm. The result of the equation is then integrated into known patterns of female behavior and thinking. The outcome of the two streams of input is a new device that will unscramble questions asked by a female partner. After extensive beta testing with females of all ages, the final data base has been developed into hardware that can be worn by men inside a baseball cap. The micro processor for the system has been installed in the caps button. The flexible and flat hard drive section is sewn to the top of the cap and rests gently against the cap wearers head.

In an attempt to establish a marketing campaign for the ‘Confusion De-Scrambler Cap' the Men’s Institute tested the product with the male executive in charge of the ad campaign.

Johnny Spindude reports stellar results and wrote a brief report to the Institute. The highlights of Mr. Spindude’s report are shown below.

My Report on the MIA Confusion De-Scrambler Cap: by Johnny Spindude
Over the course of two weeks I wore the cap at home and kept the batteries at full charge of 2,140 volts. The cap is comfortable and light weight as advertised. There is an initial delay in responding to the female questioner while you wait for the de-scrambling, however I am told future versions of the cap will address this delay problem. On the whole, the cap worked marvelously and I was able to avoid many hazardous situations with my spouse. Prior to using the cap, such sticky situations would have been unavoidable. Below are some actual examples of the cap’s abilities.

Example 1
Her original question: “Would you like to go to the movies tonight?”

Obvious answer to the question asked: “Sure, let’s take a look at what’s showing.”

However, after the cap’s de-scrambling of the question, it came in clearly in this form:
“I want to go see the movie about the young girl and her relationship with the famous rich guy and how she got a broken heart from him, but her heart got healed because she realized she really loved her best friend from high school, the guy named Todd. Don’t be trying to go see that football movie Friday Night Lights because I’ll just pout all the way through it if that’s what YOU want to do.”

My answer after de-scrambling: “No thanks I have some reading to do tonight. However, why don’t you call your friend Janice and ask her to go with you. I think that dating movie about the girl and famous guy has great reviews.”

Example 2
Her original question: “Is eating at home tonight alright with you?”

Obvious answer to the question asked: “Sure sweetie, I’m OK with that.”

However, after de-scrambling, the question came in clearly in this form:

“If you expect me to cook tonight after working all day then you damn well better have your ass in the kitchen helping, cuz I’m not your danged kitchen slave.”

My answer after de-scrambling: “Lets go out tonight, I know you are probably tired and you deserve to have someone else cook for you.”

Example 3
Her original question: Does this dress look OK for the wedding?

Obvious answer to the question asked: “You look as wonderful as always.”

However, after de-scrambling, the question came in clearly in this form: “I hate it. I’ve worn it to 5 straight weddings and you never even noticed. I don’t know why you can’t pay more attention to me. Everyone is going to think I have one damn dress in my closet.”

Answer after de-scrambling: “You would look great in anything, but I think we should look for something new and fresh so you feel good about wearing it.”

I noticed that it is difficult to sleep in the cap. After removing it during the night I was asked “Are you going to snore all night again tonight?”
I was not able to come up with a suitable answer. I would encourage the Men’s Institute to solve the problem with the cap’s comfort during sleep. Other than that I find the Confusion De-Scrambler Cap to be marvelous and just as advertised.

End of report – Johnny Spindude


Rick said...

I GOTS ta get me one o' dose!

Enemy of the Republic said...

Market it. Both women and men will forever be in your debt.

Jenn said...

I'll take ten. I'll eventually have to start dating again.

~gkw said...

I need one NOW and will pay for rush shipping.... I have 3 daughters and my wife and I NEVER understand any of them!! Please send quickly!

patti_cake said...

Wow can I buy one STAT? Cos' that is EXACTLY how my thought process works. EXACTLY.

Rob said...

As if some don't already looked confused, does it still work if you wear it backwards?

Reach said...

I'm certain the ladies in my life would say, "A man would never come up with this on his own"; therefore I must ask the obvious and since nobody else has, which question prompted this article. LOL

You are so on the money with this one- Too bad this was not an actual article. Had this been an actual article, the men would have been notified of the locations of sale as the product was in the developmental stages.

Rob, I wonder if wearing it backwards is the foundation for us guys to have the confusions?