Thursday, February 15, 2007

Seven Weird Things (about me)

I got tagged by her sweetness the Jennster to report on 10 weird things about me.
This should be no problem. Well, on second thought it did occur to me that the vast range of humans out there might have varying opinions about what is actually weird. My weirdness may pale in comparison to your own, or I may freak you out. So now I enter the chore with some anxiety and dubiousity. Yes, I know dubiousity is not really a word, but I like it and so I’m using it. This is like being attacked by an evil tattle-tale twin brother.

One) I have a couple of sleep disorders. The most serious one is referred to as ‘sleep paralysis’. Did you know your body is paralyzed when you are asleep? It is. But, when you begin to wake the brain sends a signal to your body to become un-paralyzed. That’s the non-scientific explanation. In sleep paralysis disorder the brain delays sending the signal. The effect for the victim is to be somewhere between awake and asleep without the ability to move. I am conscious enough to know I WANT to wake up but when I try, I discover my body remains paralyzed. Nothing, not even fingers will move. Yes, it is scary. Yes, I scream and yell because I am not fully conscious and my family is completely freaked when it happens. Fortunately the brain finally sends signals to allow movement and then I wake up fully.
The less serious disorder is similar to post traumatic stress disorder, but occurs at a sleep level and involves my efforts to save other people in seriously scary nightmares. Yep, lots of screaming on those too. The conclusion of others is it is the result of police work, particularly the crime scenes I was assigned to. (My police specialty)

Two) I go naked in my backyard. All the time. It’s hot in Texas 9 months of the year. There is a swimming pool back there and an 8 foot privacy fence. Fortunately for the neighbors you can’t see in unless you really, really try. You are all invited to join me this summer.
There used to be a teenage girl in the family that lived behind us. They had a volleyball net in the backyard and one day convergent with my swimming nakedness a whole gaggle of her teenage friends were playing volleyball. Naturally the ball got knocked over the fence into my yard. A 16 year old pretty faced female head popped up over the top of the fence, looked at me and screeched “Oh My God, you’re naked!” She disappeared and I heard the high pitched frequency of females exchanging important information, followed by hysterical giggling like you might hear had one of them farted loudly during a slumber party pillow fight.

Three) I participate in masters track and field. I am a member of the Houston Elite Track Club. That’s right, 30, 40, 50, 60 years and older men and women racing one another on the track. Before you laugh, I am faster than you really imagine......but yep, it’s certainly weird.

Four) I don’t say goodbye when I end a conversation on the phone. Several times people have called me back to see if the conversation was actually over. Don’t they go to the movies? No one in the movies says goodbye on the telephone. Usually a federal agent in the movies is given a very long address where the bad guy is located. He just mutters OK and then hangs up the phone. Jack Bauer on 24 never says goodbye and everyone thinks he is ultra cool! I do that too, but it doesn’t work out so well in real life. I learned it from my mom. My mom freaks BEG out doing this. Mom and I should be in the movies or television, because we know how to not say goodbye and be OK with it, just like a real CTU agent.

Five) Remember during the Iraqi war (when it was full blown) and they asked people to donate baby wipes or wet wipes? If it’s good enough for the military it’s good enough for me. I decided to buy some and not send them to Iraq. I used them on my own back-end instead. Liked it. Use them all the time now. Don’t know now why people use toilet paper, I mean, how uncivilized is that? I did rename them. I call them “butt-wipes.” BEG and I both got into the habit of calling them butt wipes. We went to the store one day for supplies. A saleslady asked if we were finding everything. Without a moment’s thought I asked her “Where are the butt-wipes?” She pointed toward the management offices so I don’t think she understood. I use butt-wipes exclusively now.

Six) When I did police work my badge number was ‘823’. Everyone in the department knows you by your badge number. It becomes your name in some ways. When you are in a police car a conversation with a dispatcher sounds like this:
Dispatch: “823”
Me: “823”
That’s the dispatcher asking if I am there and me saying “yes, I am here” All done with numbers, well actually one number. I have heard police friends in casual conversation say to a wife that ‘823’ did this or that. The wife usually laughs and says “honey I don’t know the badge numbers.” You would think police officers at a police incident scene would ask something like “Where’s Jerry?” They don’t. They say “where’s 807?” (That’s Jerry) If I were somewhere in a crowd and someone were to yell out loudly “823” it would be the same as yelling my name. I would immediately start looking for the source to see how I can help. I think that’s a little weird. Of course now I am also ‘7’ but that’s not weird. That's more like working for a very small police department, perhaps in Mayberry.

Seven) I am a craftsman of sorts having grown up in the construction business. I have lots of tools and I keep them all in order and exactly where I intend to keep them. When I work with them I always put them back in their place, often the very moment I quit using them and always within 30 minutes of using them. BEG is the polar opposite, she leaves my tools all over the damn place, only God knows where some of them are now. So, now I lock them up and she is stuck with her tiny little tool box of sorry girl tools. Of course none of her tools are in the box any longer and she can’t find them. Too bad, mine are locked and exactly where they are supposed to be. Before you think of me as a jerk, I fix everything anyway. BEG doesn't need tools she just thinks she does.

Sheesh, that’s only Seven things, but I bet you’re tired of reading, so 823 is 10-7. (That means I’m gone)


Jenn said...

Every girl needs a toolbox. Maybe because we don't burn bras anymore.

Or maybe I just think that because...well...if I don't fix it, it stays broken.

That sleep paralysis thing sounds horrific. Wow.

Good stuff, Seven, good stuff.

Reach said...

823, or 7 to 4....
Wait, was'nt that a Chicago Song?

Oh well, I guess I am weird also, because much of that seemed normal to me. In the stead of saying "Bye", I sometimes say "out" due to my radio training of long past. And for the tools, I just leave them in the Jeep. I figure it this way, "Why not, they're goin ta end up ther any way".

Reach is 10-100

Lynilu said...

My husband was terrible about putting tools away, then he couldn't find something, so he'd get into my "sorry girl tool" box and misplace mine. I fixed him ... I hid it!! My tools were better than his anyway, because I had just a few of my own, but I bought good ones and cared for them.

Your sleep disorders sound freaky. Yeah, I'd scream, too.

And butt-wipes! LOL! Yeah, they are the greatest! I can't tell you how many adults I've heard discussing them! Regular "water cooler" talk these days!

I hate to tell you, but your weirdness doesn't seem that bad. I hope that doesn't say anything bad about me! ;-)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh The PK is a STICKLER for all his tools in the proper place...which is probably a good thing (unless I borrow one and forget to put it back...then the crap hits te fan!) :)

Seven said...

I agree every gal needs a box for tools. hehehe

Yeah, I kinda remember a Chicago song something like that. I bet Mr. Rick in Seattle can advise. Gotta pee,eh?

Silver Lovely,
Makes you nuts to go get a tool and its not there! Am I right?

Queen of the Nuts,
I'm not a yeller. I'm more like Jimmy Johnson the old coach of the Cowboys. He didn't yell, he just cut players for not performing. I just save the energy of yelling and screaming and lock them up.

Rick said...

Chicago song was "25 or 6 to 4" and was either a)a reference to LSD-25 and 3:54am OR b)just another nonsensical lyric, depending on who you believe.

just 5150

Jenn said...

I wondered if you'd take that spin on my comment. heh heh is right...

Rob said...

Wow, how ironic? one of fastest guys in his age group, and he can't move an inch when it's time to start the day! Good thing the day doesn't start with a race.

Seven said...

I like the time slant. And, thanks I knew we could count on you. See, you are good for a few things. Giving executive titles, music history, etc.

Oh my...I didn't mean THAT you naughty lil thing.....p)

The way I see it it's a great excuse for not going to work. "No seriously boss, I can't move, BEG dialed the phone."

Jenn said...

Yikes. That's not what I meant either. Too funny! I was thinking more a big wooden box for TI.

Seven said...

OK...we can both quit BSing..I will if you will? (My fingers are uncrossed)

~Deb said...

Wow! You must have given your sixteen year old neighbor a sight to remember – judging by those muscular pecks of yours in the photos of your other posts! I'm loving that picture you posted up of that girl above the fence. ha!!! You're too much.

And, you’re right! No one in the movies says “goodbye” on the phone. They just finish their conversation and ‘click’! My girlfriend does that crap! She starts talking and then ‘click’. Or maybe she just hung up on me. *scratches head*

I ALWAYS use baby wipes. Think of it, ….it’s cleaner, it’s softer, it has aloe and other stuff on it. I even use it after I wash my face at night. It gives your skin a soft glow to it. Those things are little miracles!

As far as this being a weird list, this makes you a very intriguing guy in my opinion!

Have a terrific weekend!

Jenn said...

Consider it done.

Denny Shane said...

Sooooo, it's ol' 823 eh? I really enjoy posts like these that let you inside someone's life. I hate doing them for the same reasons. lol

Teri said...

Well now, a few things are beginning to make sense. My husband doesn't say goodbye, he likes the nakey thing too, and he also discovered those wet wipes by accident and now they are a staple in HIS shopping cart. Plus you're both about the same age, which is a bit(big bit) older than I am. Put all that together with my Texas roots and fondness for Texas, Dallas and Austin in particular, and no wonder I like you. By the way, did I mention my guy is also an analytical genius just like you and my good cyber friend Reach are. ;)

Ciao for now dear Seven...have a great weekend in seven different ways.

Seven said...

Isn't it amazing that I'm thinking I am the only one clued into butt-wipes? Everybody tells me back how common-place this is! Now you are telling me you use BUTT-wipes on your face! Oh girl, stop that.

I hear you, like anybody really needed to know that I wake up screaming at bad guys in the night! Or that I play tool keep away from the least I have one tool she can't misplace (I think)

You are very kind. I notice from your post today that your are also very diplomatic. That is a hard earned skill and I appreciate your attitude and your writing. Austin and Dallas are quite different (as you know) but both are good places with interesting folks. Austin has its hippie earthy hipsters and Dallas has its cell phone, "I am doing big business deals" characters in their Mercedes; quite a cultural landmine sometimes.

Wicked said...

The badge number thing sounds just like the military with last names. One of the guys in my husband unit called one day and when I asked who it was he said, "George." I was like, we don't know a George. So he started arguing with me and I was just about to say "Fuck you George" and hang up on him when my husband heard me and came running in saying "George is N**** honey!" OOPS! Of course, George thought it was hilarious.

Seven said...

They say the wives are always the last to know.

Angie said...

I've had the sleep paralysis thing happen 1-2 times...seriously scary stuff!!

Seven said...

A fellow warrior! Then you know what I mean when I say you are trapped in that nether world between REM and consciousness. That very bizarre place where you struggle to move a part of your body and 1/2 of your brain is wanting to slip back into REM and the other 1/2 is screaming "NO I don't want to die"?
Damn right its scary.

Silent One ~D~ said...

where to start... where to start...

your paralyzed in your sleep, your naked in your back yard, you run after old folks, you leave conversations open ended, your butt is spoiled and you have a fixation with numbers.

Sounds about normal to me....

Seven said...

Silent Girl,
Very succinct analysis on your part. I could have saved a lot of words in that post if I had consulted with you beforehand. It's a good analysis I think!

~Deb said...

Nooooo! They're clean Seven! Butt wipes on your face are gentle and very clean! Try em'! Haha! You're too funny!

Southern Sweetheart said...

For the record, I don't think you're weird and I learned some cool stuff. I never knew you were "paralyzed" when you sleep. Interesting!

Oh, and I found you by way of some dude wanting girls to show virtual boobs for virtual marti gras.... :)

Seven said...

I know. I know. I used one on my face last night per your suggestion. It felt a little girly!

Mr. Leonard is incorrigible isn't he? On the other hand a virtual Mardi Gras might be fun...

kathi said...

Everyone of these made me smile or laugh out loud. Thanks for that.