Seven Weird Things (about me)

I got tagged by her sweetness the Jennster to report on 10 weird things about me.
This should be no problem. Well, on second thought it did occur to me that the vast range of humans out there might have varying opinions about what is actually weird. My weirdness may pale in comparison to your own, or I may freak you out. So now I enter the chore with some anxiety and dubiousity. Yes, I know dubiousity is not really a word, but I like it and so I’m using it. This is like being attacked by an evil tattle-tale twin brother.

One) I have a couple of sleep disorders. The most serious one is referred to as ‘sleep paralysis’. Did you know your body is paralyzed when you are asleep? It is. But, when you begin to wake the brain sends a signal to your body to become un-paralyzed. That’s the non-scientific explanation. In sleep paralysis disorder the brain delays sending the signal. The effect for the victim is to be somewhere between awake and asleep without the ability to move. I am conscious enough to know I WANT to wake up but when I try, I discover my body remains paralyzed. Nothing, not even fingers will move. Yes, it is scary. Yes, I scream and yell because I am not fully conscious and my family is completely freaked when it happens. Fortunately the brain finally sends signals to allow movement and then I wake up fully.
The less serious disorder is similar to post traumatic stress disorder, but occurs at a sleep level and involves my efforts to save other people in seriously scary nightmares. Yep, lots of screaming on those too. The conclusion of others is it is the result of police work, particularly the crime scenes I was assigned to. (My police specialty)

Two) I go naked in my backyard. All the time. It’s hot in Texas 9 months of the year. There is a swimming pool back there and an 8 foot privacy fence. Fortunately for the neighbors you can’t see in unless you really, really try. You are all invited to join me this summer.
There used to be a teenage girl in the family that lived behind us. They had a volleyball net in the backyard and one day convergent with my swimming nakedness a whole gaggle of her teenage friends were playing volleyball. Naturally the ball got knocked over the fence into my yard. A 16 year old pretty faced female head popped up over the top of the fence, looked at me and screeched “Oh My God, you’re naked!” She disappeared and I heard the high pitched frequency of females exchanging important information, followed by hysterical giggling like you might hear had one of them farted loudly during a slumber party pillow fight.

Three) I participate in masters track and field. I am a member of the Houston Elite Track Club. That’s right, 30, 40, 50, 60 years and older men and women racing one another on the track. Before you laugh, I am faster than you really imagine......but yep, it’s certainly weird.

Four) I don’t say goodbye when I end a conversation on the phone. Several times people have called me back to see if the conversation was actually over. Don’t they go to the movies? No one in the movies says goodbye on the telephone. Usually a federal agent in the movies is given a very long address where the bad guy is located. He just mutters OK and then hangs up the phone. Jack Bauer on 24 never says goodbye and everyone thinks he is ultra cool! I do that too, but it doesn’t work out so well in real life. I learned it from my mom. My mom freaks BEG out doing this. Mom and I should be in the movies or television, because we know how to not say goodbye and be OK with it, just like a real CTU agent.

Five) Remember during the Iraqi war (when it was full blown) and they asked people to donate baby wipes or wet wipes? If it’s good enough for the military it’s good enough for me. I decided to buy some and not send them to Iraq. I used them on my own back-end instead. Liked it. Use them all the time now. Don’t know now why people use toilet paper, I mean, how uncivilized is that? I did rename them. I call them “butt-wipes.” BEG and I both got into the habit of calling them butt wipes. We went to the store one day for supplies. A saleslady asked if we were finding everything. Without a moment’s thought I asked her “Where are the butt-wipes?” She pointed toward the management offices so I don’t think she understood. I use butt-wipes exclusively now.

Six) When I did police work my badge number was ‘823’. Everyone in the department knows you by your badge number. It becomes your name in some ways. When you are in a police car a conversation with a dispatcher sounds like this:
Dispatch: “823”
Me: “823”
That’s the dispatcher asking if I am there and me saying “yes, I am here” All done with numbers, well actually one number. I have heard police friends in casual conversation say to a wife that ‘823’ did this or that. The wife usually laughs and says “honey I don’t know the badge numbers.” You would think police officers at a police incident scene would ask something like “Where’s Jerry?” They don’t. They say “where’s 807?” (That’s Jerry) If I were somewhere in a crowd and someone were to yell out loudly “823” it would be the same as yelling my name. I would immediately start looking for the source to see how I can help. I think that’s a little weird. Of course now I am also ‘7’ but that’s not weird. That's more like working for a very small police department, perhaps in Mayberry.

Seven) I am a craftsman of sorts having grown up in the construction business. I have lots of tools and I keep them all in order and exactly where I intend to keep them. When I work with them I always put them back in their place, often the very moment I quit using them and always within 30 minutes of using them. BEG is the polar opposite, she leaves my tools all over the damn place, only God knows where some of them are now. So, now I lock them up and she is stuck with her tiny little tool box of sorry girl tools. Of course none of her tools are in the box any longer and she can’t find them. Too bad, mine are locked and exactly where they are supposed to be. Before you think of me as a jerk, I fix everything anyway. BEG doesn't need tools she just thinks she does.

Sheesh, that’s only Seven things, but I bet you’re tired of reading, so 823 is 10-7. (That means I’m gone)