Friday, January 20, 2006

Cracked in the Head

What sort of moron drops a barbell on his head?


I dropped 175 pounds on my head this morning.

I do a classic track athletes workout. Serious running on the track on M-W-F. Full body weight workouts on T-Th. It’s a lot like a college class schedule I guess. I get to drink and hang out on the weekends just the same as back then.

Actually I am usually so worn out by the weekend that I just try to sit still and recover.

I have more to recover from now.

Here is what an incline bench press looks like.

I was using one of those this morning at my 24 Hour Fitness. At the end of the 4th set of 10 reps I lifted the left side of the barbell onto the left hook on the stand. I believed the right end was also over the right hook. I was wrong. When I turned it all loose the bar came down at an angle striking me dead on top of the noggin, spilling the right side weight to the floor, the bar went sliding down, following the path of the weight.

I appears that I am the exact kind of moron that can drop a barbell on his head.

It was early and being blessed, at least in a microscopic way, there were not a lot of people around at the time and the music is always SO LOUD that it seemed like no one noticed.

Believe me, I didn’t rub my head or act hurt in any way…the first order of business was to make sure no one saw it happen! Every soul I could eyeball seemed totally preoccupied with their image in a mirror. Thank God for the overwhelming stench of narcissism inside 24 Hour Fitness!

I reassembled the bar and weights with the sort of detachment that would signal to the world that I intentionally drop barbells on my head as a matter of course. Everyone stand back, nothing to see here, I did it on purpose…..hehe….feeling like Barney Fife without a bullet.

After the weights were back in place I walked around a bit hoping no one could actually see the cartoon birds flying circles around my head. I seemed to be OK other than a little rattled and embarrassed.

I went back to the crime scene and sat down on the bench. I looked up at the devil bar and could not believe my eyes. Attached to the peened / serrated center of the bar was a tuft of my hair that had been pulled out of my head by the impact of the bar and was left hanging there on the bar, its only possible purpose was to further embarrass, taunt and amaze me and leave a tale to be told to future suffering grandchildren time after time after time.

Of course so far as the grandkids go I will change the story so it is actually an authentic barbell dropping moron and not their grandfather in the story. I believe I was only a substitute moron today, not the real thing….it’s like a sub teacher you don’t really know anything about the subject but once in a while you have to fake teaching it. As far as I’m concerned I was just faking the moron act this morning.

My head has a skinned place and my neck hurts a little which is damning physical evidence that substitute teachers should be paid every cent the regular teachers are paid.

After 30 more minutes of intense draining weight work and a narcissistic look or two or seven in the mirror I was back to normal and confident my massive moronic slip had gone undetected, like a redwood falling into an empty forest, or at least a forest filled with loud ear splitting gangsta music like my forest of narcissism plays nonstop.

I went to the locker room and gathered my things. I walked out onto the gym floor to head for my car feeling perfectly normal again.

I was flagged down by an awesomely cute blonde in painted on tight workout gear....drop dead my God you look impossibly gorgeous, about 22 years old……with green eyes, a vision made on one of God’s very best days…..who said to me:

“That was awful the way that bar crashed down onto your head that way. We were all so worried for you. Are you OK?”

Crap, crap,craaaaap....…M-Fekrrr….*&$##)$*%&a*@$*_$(#;&*##)*&#)$$


Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Are you serious about the blonde? Did she really come and ask you that???

Wow, that's one impressive work-out (well, all of it except the falling barbell thing!!!)

And I apologize...I giggled when I read about you finding that tuft of hair on the barbell. Ia m truly sorry...but the way you wrote that was kinda funny! :)

Glad to hear you're okay...that REALLY could've been bad, you know???

Seven said...

Unfortunately, the cutie and 2 of her friends were riding stationary bikes about 3 rows of equipment over and saw the whole thing!
The tuft of hair REALLY was stuck on the bar! It kinda stings to shampoo my hair right now.....neck hurts a I prepare this one over the years for grandchildren I'm confident I can get some ambulances involved...that is for the fictitious moron.....not the guy that actually did it; me :)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I'm sure a little embellishment won't hurt a thing...;)

Grant said...

Sounds like a good time to employ the old evil twin brother ruse. "That wasn't me - it was my evil twin brother trying to make me look bad."

Memphis Steve said...

I dropped a barbell on my neck once. My triceps just gave out without warning while I was bench pressing. Mmm, that was fun.
I had a barbell with no weights fall down across the back of my neck one time, hitting my on the spine. That felt great.
Lets see, what else?
One time a high school boy in the gym doing dumbbell tricep extensions had the weight on the end of the dumbbell fall off into his lap, crushing his testicles permanently. The girl who told me about it thought it was just so funny, as if he had simply bruised his knee or something.
One time while I was spotting a guy on bench press some girls turned off the lights because they thought that was a funny thing to do. It was pitch black. The guy was on his last rep and was trying to rack the weight before his arms gave out. He had it over his face when everything went dark. I reached out in the dark and felt for the bar and then pulled it all the way back from the bench as far as I could go. When the lights came on again I had managed to rack one side and I had the other side past the rack and past his head and I was hanging onto it as hard as I could because I couldn't see a thing and didn't know if it was still over his head or not. Another guy doing squats was nearly crushed while racking his weights when they flipped the lights off.

Seven said...

Memphis Man,
Holy weight dropping Batman...those are scary stories!
Let me see now...crushed testicles vs a sore neck.
Hmmm.....looks like I lucked out this time.