Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Brain Research Raises Questions

Rick Satire Report News
Dallas, Texas

New studies conducted in Dallas,Texas indicate that the onset of Alzheimer’s in men has a previously undiscovered and remarkable source. After extensive testing and surveying of principal life styles in male Alzheimer’s victims a causal factor has been isolated.

According to researchers the disease in men is likely produced by brain damage resulting from men having to answer successive multiple questions posed by women.

The idea that brain cells can actually be altered by a series of questions unbroken by direct statements was first postulated by a thrice divorced scientist in Texas. He noticed that his daughters had begun to end statements with the characteristic inflection of a question. For example the statement “Dad, I am going to the mall.” Had been repackaged as “Dad I am, like, going to the mall, you know?” This was confusing to the scientist in that he had no ready answer for what sounded like a question, but appeared upon additional examination to be a statement.

According to the research presented by the scientist, the breaking point appears to be 7 successive questions. After engaging the brain in answering 7 questions in a row the male brain cellular material undergoes a negative alteration. The researchers stress that the number of questions can exceed 7 or actual alteration of cells can occur prior to 7 depending on the emotional complexity of the question and the irritation level of the women asking the question. The researchers stressed that 7 straight questions represent the mean figure.

According to behavioral experts the new studies are loaded with cultural implications. Professor Cynthia Johnson of the Institute for Brain Function said that women can accelerate the onset of Alzheimer’s in their mate by simply asking successive questions, in excess of 7 in a row on a daily basis, as is already their custom. On the other hand, they can prevent this horrible disease by being careful to insert a statement between their normal patterns of multiple questions. She added that the study raises many, many questions that require answers.

Professor John Runoff at the Southern Strategic Command Center of the U.S. Air Force is currently trying to determine if the research will help explain why males traditionally run faster than females. Runoff postulates, in the absence of research, that it is possible that men are able to run faster in order to ‘outrun the persistent questioning’ of the female gender. In Runoff’s thinking this would represent an evolutionary refinement necessary in saving brain tissue. He added his research is being bogged down by the questions posed by Professor Johnson of the Institute for Brain Function.

Dr. Philip Hearmore of the American Academy for Hearing Research indicated that the new findings have repercussions for his work. According to Hearmore, the incidence of deafness among his male patients may be a faked impairment. “These men may be engaging in a defensive behavior designed to slow the death of their brains” he said.

Dr. Hearmore declined to answer additional questions.

Nancy Reagan, when contacted, asked why I was calling, and would it require any travel or social arrangements on her part. She also asked about fees and if her caregivers could also respond and if the phone call was on a cell phone or a land line. When informed it was a cell phone she asked which service provider I was using and if I was happy with their service. I began to feel confused and I confessed to her that I had forgotten why I called.

After proofreading this post my wife asked, "Why do you make this stuff up, aren't you afraid you will offend someone, or get them confused?"

That counts as three questions!

Gotta run! Maybe fast. See ya.


patti_cake said...

Well you can count me i on the "confused" LOL

Reach said...

Cool plug, for the Air Force; I think I have worked with that Command (humph)?!
I have read a similar article:

Where the Author I.P. Freeling, concluded "Pi$$ on it."

I remember, before my divorce, the single person discussions coming from another room. It was at this time I, myself, became the questioner and the answers quite puzzled me. My wife, in a room by herself, was holding a conversation. When I inquired to whom she was speaking, she would reply "Nobody". I think this has also aided my own form of Alzheimer's.

Rick, did you have to look up the spelling of "Alzheimer's" for this article?


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a fish on a bycicle said...

Geenius, it's a breakthrough, publish it, we'll get it in the Lancet and make an absolute bloody fortune in male ear defenders!!

a fish on a bycicle said...

Oh, and the reason that men don't live as long as women - they don't want to.

Seven said...

Mobile fish has returned from bloody awful Houston!

Angie said...

So, what r u saying Rick? Are you saying that women ask too many questions? Who IS your cell phone provider? Are you happy with them? What kind of phone do you have? Is it a camera phone?

hehehehe. Great job!

Sandra said...

We wouldn't have to keep asking, "Why are you so stupid?" if we'd get an answer the first time. GAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Great post. :)

Seven said...

Sprint PCS
Sort of
You have 3 more.

Ha ha That reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite; that GAHHHHHHHH thing you did....hehehehe

patti_cake said...

This does make me laugh. I'll send Stacy an email with four or five questions in it and he will complain "you ask me a million questions. Why do you have to know all that?". Me: "Because I just DO."

Seven said...

Just remember the rule and he will be OK. Stick a statement in there prior to brain damage. If you want Stacy to have the "who are you?" disease, just string em all together.

Jenn said...

Oh yeah. I heard this a lot in my marriage. Maybe it was all my fault. What do you think? Is it possible? How would I know?

:-) You're hilarious, ya know?

Seven said...

Love ya girl. Keep that chin up and keep kicking dookey (sp?) out of smarmy lawyers...you rule!

Reach said...

did you ever get the photo, from your request? If not, email me at ReachFE@aol.com


Seven said...

Negative, email on the way.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh poppycock! The PK really is hard of hearing!"

He is too! IS TOO! IS TOO!!!


Sereena X said...

Your theory makes sense because everyone knows men are biologically hardwired to think about only one thing at any given time. A barrage of questions can cause circuits to overload and confuse synapse function.

Seven said...

Queen of Nuts,
Are you really realy sure?

Sereena X,
Exactly my point. I noticed you gave us statements. What gives with that?

Reach said...

Check your inbox