Sunday, April 16, 2006

Elvis Impersonator Confesses to Burnout

Rick Satire Report News
Las Vegas, Nevada

Elvis impersonator Johnny Hey-man sat with his head down. Patrons in the local diner took notice of his elaborate Elvis costume, but elected to steer clear of his table.

In the past two weeks Mr. Hey-man had been in a depression and had confessed to me over the phone that he was just plain ‘burned out’ with the whole Elvis thing.

I agreed to meet Johnny at the Dennys on Tropicana Trail in Las Vegas to hear his story.

“Man, it seems like yesterday that it was all so fresh. All I ever wanted to be was the best Elvis impersonator ever. All my life that’s all I ever really wanted. When I was on stage I was Elvis and the crowd knew it” said Hey-man. “Now look around you and you see dammed Elvis impersonators everywhere. I’ve even seen some chicks trying to do Elvis. For God’s sake man, one of them was wearing red fingernail polish and doing the Man!”

I looked around the Denny’s and just like Johnny was telling it, there were two other Elvises at the back of the dining room. They looked happy though, and Johnny was clearly a man in a free fall.

Johnny went on with his story, “I mean I know all the lyrics to every song and I used to practice all day on Saturdays in my garage when I was young, nowadays these kids don’t even really know the songs. You know for sure things have hit the shit fan when you see some fat Japanese dude singing Blue Suede Shoes, except the dumbass is singing Brue Suede Shoes. I can guarndamntee you that the Man never said Brue Suede Shoes!”

“I’m tired now, too many high school gyms playing to kids that never saw Elvis. I even took a birthday party not long ago and one of the kids asked me if I was Paulie from the Sopranos. It wears on you man, you know? I mean like I’m just burned out with the whole Elvis thing, and I never thought that would happen.”

The waitress came over and and with a big Nebraska corn fed grin asked Johnny, “Say there Mister Elvis Presley, would you like some more coffee?”

Johnny raised his head slightly and mumbled “Thank you, thank you very much.” But from this reporters perspective it was clear that his heart just wasn’t in it.

“Now I know why the Man did all those drugs” said Johnny, “Being the Man is hard hard work.”

After a long pause Johnny looked up at me with sad tired eyes and asked, “You ever think about dying while you’re sitting on the pot, man that’s the way to go aint it?”

I picked up the check and told Johnny this one was on me.


Aims said...

dying while sitting on the pot certainly aint the way I'd like to go!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Me either!!! Let me go fully dressed...or at least with my pants on!!!

Angie said...

Oh, so many nasty potty comments come to mind...I'll be nice and just say that wouldn't be my first choice.

Rick...what's a corn-fed grin?

Seven said...

In Nebraska its common to speak of the health of the people there by using the term "corn fed" as in those 'corn fed boys can work all day.' They grow a lot of corn in Nebraska. Used here it just means a healthy big grin.

patti_cake said...

Okay the Paulie/Sopranos comment got me! LOL

patti_cake said...

Also.. if i'm going to die nekkid I hope I was having some "fun" and not sitting on the "throne". Yeeks!

Seven said...

Hey Cakes,
Yea I know...I was just assuming that most everyone knew that Elvis actually did die that Hey-man is just being emulative.....

Reach said...

Great one, Rick!

I don't know about going out on the pot; I am more along the lines of Private Benjamins husband in the opening scene. For me, Now that is the way to go.

Second, as my family roots hail from Nebraska- you are very, very kind.

Third, as I walk up to the microphone in the meeting hall; I would say, "Hello my name is Reach and I AM an Elvis Impersonator"! What is cool; the Crowd returns, "Hello Reach". Gotta have that first step.


Seven said...

Well , there you go; corn fed genius at work...

Jenn said...

Ok - so not much to say about the whole Elvis impersonator business but I did just catch up on your posts. I almost peed my pants laughing when I read the conversation between your sister and mother...real or imagined, that's a hilarious conversation.

Seven said...

Gotta confess. You know me too well....but my mom really could have said that stuff if I gave her the opportunity. I promise.