Rick Satire Report News
April 11, 2006
Savannah Georgia native Sarah Parker is sick and tired of long walks along the beach with men.
Parker, a divorcee and mother of two placed an ad in the Heart-Link Personals looking for available single men. After reading several of the personals by other women she was surprised by the number of women that said they like to take long romantic walks along the beach. She also noted many women said they wanted to become friends before becoming intimate with their new dates.
Typically the ads were worded something along the lines of “I enjoy long romantic walks on the beach at sunset. Friendship is a requirement to earning my heart; I am not looking for a one-night stand.”
So, Sarah worded her ad similarly thinking there was wisdom in following the path of others. She also included a photo illustrating her striking prettiness and petite figure.
Today Sarah regrets the ad, but her email is full of proposals every day. I sat down with Ms. Parker and asked her to elaborate on her ordeal.
“I had no idea”, said Ms. Parker, “that men took the ads quite so literal. I just assumed this damned beach thing was code language for a romantic setting. I have now walked on the Savannah beaches for miles and miles, often with balding fat men with bad breath. The walks go on and on and on till I feel like there is sand all over me and the damn wind has blown my hair to smithereens. Then, I find some guy whose bones I want to jump the minute I see him, but hell no, we have to take stupid long walks on the ignorant beach, then after the mandatory beach walk they tell me it’s a good idea if we are just best friends first.”
Sarah took off her shoes and shook beach sand from them before continuing.
“I’m so sick of those stupid noisy seagulls and the dad-gum seaweed getting caught in my sandals I could just scream.”
Heart-Link Personals spokesperson Jenni Hart responded “What’s wrong with a walk on the beach? It sounds very romantic to me. That’s what everyone wants. She should count her blessings.”