Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Sarah Is Weary Of Long Walks Along The Beach

Rick Satire Report News
Savannah, Georgia
April 11, 2006

Savannah Georgia native Sarah Parker is sick and tired of long walks along the beach with men.
Parker, a divorcee and mother of two placed an ad in the Heart-Link Personals looking for available single men. After reading several of the personals by other women she was surprised by the number of women that said they like to take long romantic walks along the beach. She also noted many women said they wanted to become friends before becoming intimate with their new dates.
Typically the ads were worded something along the lines of “I enjoy long romantic walks on the beach at sunset. Friendship is a requirement to earning my heart; I am not looking for a one-night stand.”

So, Sarah worded her ad similarly thinking there was wisdom in following the path of others. She also included a photo illustrating her striking prettiness and petite figure.

Today Sarah regrets the ad, but her email is full of proposals every day. I sat down with Ms. Parker and asked her to elaborate on her ordeal.

“I had no idea”, said Ms. Parker, “that men took the ads quite so literal. I just assumed this damned beach thing was code language for a romantic setting. I have now walked on the Savannah beaches for miles and miles, often with balding fat men with bad breath. The walks go on and on and on till I feel like there is sand all over me and the damn wind has blown my hair to smithereens. Then, I find some guy whose bones I want to jump the minute I see him, but hell no, we have to take stupid long walks on the ignorant beach, then after the mandatory beach walk they tell me it’s a good idea if we are just best friends first.”

Sarah took off her shoes and shook beach sand from them before continuing.

“I’m so sick of those stupid noisy seagulls and the dad-gum seaweed getting caught in my sandals I could just scream.”

Heart-Link Personals spokesperson Jenni Hart responded “What’s wrong with a walk on the beach? It sounds very romantic to me. That’s what everyone wants. She should count her blessings.”

9 Comments:

Blogger patti_cake said...

Ha Ha... seaweed between the toes sucks. Women are so hard to please!

April 11, 2006 at 8:39 AM  
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April 11, 2006 at 10:16 AM  
Blogger Angie said...

You're too funny! Why is it when I think of personal ads that cheesy song gets stuck in my head..."if you like Pina Coladas..." Wait, I think I just showed my age!

April 11, 2006 at 10:17 AM  
Blogger Grant said...

Who was it that decided moonlit walks along the beach are romantic? When I think of the beach, I think of gritty sand, fishy smells, man-eating sharks, etc. Give me a nice death metal concert and a hottie in the mosh pit any day.

April 11, 2006 at 11:50 AM  
Blogger Reach said...

Is it not funny, today's article covers a "Want Ad" and you recieve spam, the first I have seen, in the comments? Or, is it just me?

When I think of the beach, it is of "STicks" (surfboards), Sex Wax and midnight sessions (night surfing). The only romance is when the Bon-Fire starts with the first match.

Reach

April 11, 2006 at 12:48 PM  
Blogger Cheeky said...

Romantic walks on the beach - umm yeah right.....just what you want to do - get busy with someone right after you get off the beach and are sticky and gritty with sand

April 11, 2006 at 1:46 PM  
Blogger Seven said...

Patti Cake,
I guess they/you can be difficult, but then we/men are SO literal we just do what we are told; exactly as told.

Southborn
Get the hell off my site or I will report you to Blogger!

Angie,
You are in an age indifferent atmosphere here. It's all good; any age is fine with me.

Grant,
A hottie in the mosh pit is a REAL man's vision of romance. I'm with ya 100%; it can't get better than that!

Reach,
Spoken like a true California beach veteran!

Cheeky,
Thanks for dropping by! I'm coming to visit you; and yes usually after walking the beach I want a shower! Ever see those romance photos of a couple clamped together on a sandy beach? And all I can think of is EEEWWWW SAND in the working parts!

April 11, 2006 at 2:28 PM  
Blogger Denny Shane said...

"balding fat men with bad breath"???? but I have a great personality! lol

April 12, 2006 at 2:16 AM  
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