Sunday, April 02, 2006

National Enquirer Losing Credibility

Rick Satire Report News
New York, NY

National Enquirer executives are steaming mad. According to a new study the venerable magazine’s hard earned journalistic credibility is being eroded by bloggers.

The problem began with bloggers that are undermining the stories written by Enquirer reporters, often without even knowing it. The study cited a recent example where the National Enquirer claimed an exclusive scoop by reporting to its readers that Oprah Winfrey had recently gained 32 pounds because she was mourning a lost romance from her early teen years.

However Phyllis Schneider of Elk Grove, New Jersey, author of a blog that prides itself on reporting the very latest about celebrities changed things for the Enquirer in a dramatic fashion. Phyliss had been in the Oprah studio audience just the day before and Phyliss blogged that the Enquirer news account was false and that it did not appear Oprah had gained even one pound. She lambasted The Enquirer for its sloppy and willfully deceptive reporting. She also said “Oprah looked pretty as a picture, not a thing like that awful fat picture the Enquirer used.”

In another example cited in the study, the Enquirer reported in February of 2004 that American astronaut Michael McNamaran had mated with a moon person on his last trip to the moon and not told anyone, including NASA, about the clandestine affair. According to the Enquirer story McNamaran was heartbroken and drinking heavily as a result of his inability to return to the moon and the love of his life.

However the study also reported that a lady friend of McNamaran’s, a Houston neighbor writing a blog about the ‘goings on’ of her neighborhood, posted that McNamaran was just fine and had been openly flirting with her when her husband was on out of town trips and had recently asked her to play tennis.

According to the study the unnamed blogger did not even know about the Enquirer story when she posted her story of McNamaran’s advances. “If Michael has a girlfriend or whatever on the moon you sure wouldn’t know it. He chases after me like a duck after a fat June bug”, drawled the pretty Texan blogger.

How much longer before bloggers destroy the ironclad credibility of the venerable National Enquirer? The Enquirer has vowed it will print an upcoming exclusive story on bloggers gaining weight and having secret love children with Muslim terrorists as a means of fighting fire with fire. According to the spokesperson that should set off a new round of explosions here in America.

The National Enquirer refused additional comment other than to say its reporters were very busy covering a new Jennifer Anniston story. They hinted that Jennifer was seen on a date french-kissing her father and that she also appeared to be pregnant or at least gaining weight rapidly. This reporter advised the Enquirer spokesperson that there are currently over 7 million blogs devoted to posting about Jennifer Anniston. The spokesperson appeared to pale and she began hyperventilating. She also indicated the interview was over since she needed to call some of her reporters immediately.


Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"Ironclad credibility of the venerable National Enquirer"???

I laughed so hard, coffee shot out my nose....;)

My mom used to buy that magazine ALL THE TIME when I was a kid! :)

Seven said...

My goodness I hoped you cleaned it up...your mom is going to be devastated by these party pooping bloggers...

patti_cake said...

Damn bloggers are the eyes, ears and MOUTH of the universe! Who'd a thunk it? P.S. Love the duck/fat june bug comment!

Reach said...

"And, yet, another blogger cited the recently gained wait, of Jennifer Aniston, was in fact the recently disgarded Oprah weight".

Now that you have used the National Enquirer in your title, their research team will locate and that remark will be in the press in about a month.

Oh, additionally, you are now going to be quoted as a "confidential source, close to the situation".




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