Friday, June 16, 2006

My Crotch Feels Weird

Ever wanted to know why baseball players spit all the time?

My wife wants to know. Every time we watch a game together.

“EEEWWWW” she will say “Why do they do that all the time?”

“EEEWWWW”, did you see that?

She’s asking me because I spent the first 19 years of my life playing the game. When I turned 36, I took it up again in the Senior Baseball League.

I don’t know why we they spit so much. I really don’t. I’ll do some research and get back to you on that one. I wasn’t a spitter.

Most women that watch baseball want to know something else.

Why are they always adjusting their crotches? They do this regularly on national TV. There is even a Saturday Night Live skit about this cultural oddity.

I know the answer to this. No kidding. I do.

I should say this; I know why I adjusted my crotch on the baseball field.
Look at this, especially you girls. It’s called a cup. Yes, I know it doesn’t have a handle.
This has nothing to do with bondage and discipline. Unless you want it to. Hold on Discipline Girl…don’t even go there. You stuff this cup inside an athletic supporter, aka ‘jock strap’, and you wear it. Down there.

Well it is actually a form of bondage I suppose. I don’t know about the discipline part. The question at play here is do I want to put my gentlemen parts into this container, or do I want my gentlemen parts to be smacked by a very hard baseball. If you are wondering, all three members of the family are incarcerated together. Same cell....err....cup.

My baseball position was catcher. For those of you who are strangers to the game, the catcher is the one dressed funny in all the protective gear. He squats behind the hitter. He catches the ball if the hitter fails to actually hit it. We are a peculiar, but hardy species. We rarely spit, due to the mask on our face.

Catchers wear cups. We’re smarter than we look. Well, not in all cases actually.

There is no way to place your gentlemen parts in one of these plastic hells and keep them happy. Your parts will protest. They will fight with your cup. Never any telling which side is winning; it’s a never ending war. It's an evening with Tony and Carmella Soprano down there.

This is where the adjusting comes in. The player wearing the cup is the referee of this struggle. The combatants need constant attention. Think of him as a counselor to a bad marriage. He's trying to help both parties understand the others needs.

Close your eyes girls. NOT YET. WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED READING THE INSTRUCTIONS. Imagine a rigid unyielding plastic bra. Imagine that it comes in two sizes. Choose one of the sizes. Put your plastic bra around your breasts and strap it on tight enough (yes even if it doesn't fit) that you can sprint around, swing a bat and spit a lot. See what I mean?

Feel free to explain this to your girlfriends. Knowledge is power.

Now Do You Get It…….maybe?

As far as what these two good friends might be doing; well I'm not going there.


xwy said...

As a former catcher myself, I can understand. One close call from a wild pitch is enough to determine that a female cups may not be a bad idea (well, maybe a shield). There's a reason catchers close their legs to block a wild pitch...we say we do it to gain control of the ball but actually it's a protective instinct.

You may be on to something with that plastic bra idea. Do you know what it's like to slide into the bag while dragging your breasts across the hard ground????

Seven said...

I know about sliding my man breasts across the ground. But I think it's different?
So....Stormy is a catcher; we're cosmic or at least position twins!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Wha? I don't get it...I'm confused about the whole cup thing...

I think what I need is for you to video tape you putting the cup on and how to wear it correctly. Of course, you'll have to do it the clothes don't get in the way of all that "positioning" but that's okay, I don't mind. ;)

And, on a side note, even though I know us females aren't quite as sensitive as you men are, I once had an accident while riding my brothers bike and I landed right on the bar (yes, on my cootch) and it HURT LIKE HELL. So I concur with Angie...they need to make girl cups too. ;)

Steve said...

Oh my God, this is GGrrrreat! I love the way you develop a thickening plot about the war between cup & contents and end with that steamy photo of the "buddies". Well done.

As a side note, I did get my goods squashed playing little league once. Yes, I was cupless and warming up for a game... but I didn't expect my own teammate to throw it right at my tender little package ON PURPOSE! That was a really cruel way to check if I was properly equipped to play that day.

Needless to say, I don't recommend going cupless like they do on those beaches in France. Cheers.

xwy said...

I concur with Stacy! We need video!!!

Seven said...

Queen of the Nuts,
(Which happens to be a fitting moniker for u today)
History has given us at least a couple of examples of very naughty queens. Queens that kept male harems filled with very fertile young men required to stand erect in the Queen's presence.
Of course these subjects were also required to be as active as the Queen required.
And now our own Divine Queen of Peenewsheeians is beginning to establish her own naughty legacy.
Do I really have to do that in front of all the other royal subjects? Could I just do it in private for you?
You do know that this is actually a very funny idea for a video. It's a completely silly idea ripe for film making and much laughter!
Naughty, naughty Queen.

I think I knew that kid too! There's one on every team. Wait a minute, I think I was that kid.

And as for u young lady......perhaps the Queen will invite you to view the cup documentary during one her harem nights.

~grey said...

Ok I get the whole cup thing...
and yes there are cups for women... called a JILL.

What I am wondering....(almost on the same lines as Our Royal Queen of the Peanuts)...
What happens when your parts... aka "the boys" become happy. I mean... really really happy. Has this ever happened... whilest wearing said cup.?? Curious minds need to know...


Seven said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Seven said...

Silent One,
Yes, happiness can arrive unexpectedly.
Problem is it hurts when happiness arrives in the jail cell. Resultant pain leads to a deflation of happiness.
And so now you are joining ranks with the other naughty girls here?

~grey said...

The jail cell... too funny.

But of course... we girls have to stick together.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"Queens that kept male harems filled with very fertile young men required to stand erect in the Queen's presence."

Hey, I LIKE that idea! It's good to be Queen...;)

"Could I just do it in private for you?"

Of course you can...I insist upon it! ;)

Monogram Queen said...

You guys are cracking me up on this Monday morning!
I feel sorry for guys who have to wear a cup but totally understand the necessity.

Monogram Queen said...

P.S. I'm jealous - the Queen of Nuts gets her own private showing huh? ;)

Anonymous said...

I knew you would like the historical formula!
Based on your post this morning, maybe this is just better left to your imagination or to me writing about it. However, I really like the comedy video idea.

I'm actually quite shy....;) But if I could do it for comedy value, well that's different.

Seven said...

The above comment was from Rick. Stupid blogger...err.. ...I mean blogger user!

Jenn said...

Oh my GAWD! You are so funny!! I have to say - I had wondered about that...and even knowing about the whole cup didn't occur to me. But when you talk my language...plastic bra....ahhhhh. Now I get it. Or is that you?

Seven said...

The danged cups come in 2 sizes as far as I have ever known. And as you probaly know gentlemen parts come in all sizes, just like breasts. Imagining two sizes fits all bra is actually a good analogy. Hurts just to think about it doesn't it? Lots and lots of adjusting required!

Anonymous said...

I'm with stacy .. we need a video because I just don't get it ;)

I also need to see said effects of happiness, inquiring minds need to know ... you can mail the video to 1825 .. wait, I can't give you my address here, but you can mail it to me. ;)

Seven said...

You Miss Dandelion appear to be just as naughty as the rest. This could be kinda like a Tupperware party or a training film for young girls. "Learn how men insert genital protection and why they insist on adjusting their crotches on nationwide television"
I guess that title is a little too long?

~grey said...

tupperware party.... Too funny!!!

I am still wondering what the two in the pic are doing... and WHY!?
Patting the butt is going a bit far... but this... Whoa!

Anonymous said...

Ooooo ... a party! That means a live demonstration?

Yes silent, that pic does make one go Whoa!! ... but I think the butt pat is a little hot!

Anonymous said...

i knew this. my brother always threatened me with his.. *shudder*