Wednesday, January 17, 2007

" I'll Just Use A Big Stick "

Seven's Satire Report News
San Francisco, California

The Foundation for Eliminating Electronic Controls has released their findings from a 2 year government funded study. Their report suggests the use of remote controls reduces the number of steps taken and the calories burnt by the remote user. Working from a 7 million dollar grant by the US government the Foundation studied the behavior of subjects using a remote control to change their television signal and a separate study group that was not using a remote control. According to the data gathered those who were using the remote controls got up and walked to their television sets less frequently than the non-remote group. The researchers theorize that this is the result of being able to control the signals remotely. According to Tom Malone the leader of the study team “The non-remote group was forced to get up and walk over to the television set and change the channels manually since they were not given a remote.”
Startling as this information proved to be, Malone said the group was also surprised to learn that the remote control users switched channels far more times than the non-remote users.
According to Malone the study offers conclusive proof that those viewing television with a remote control burn fewer calories than those not using a remote. Malone said his group will offer guidelines that require remote controls to have a distance limitation built into their circuitry. “If we can end up with a remote that only works if used within 12 inches of the television, we know people will have to get up and move to within 12 inches of the set and change the channel the old fashioned way, the way we did it before we all became fat and lazy,” said Malone. He added, “This way Americans will become less obese.”

Malone’s group is expecting additional government funding to study anecdotal evidence that alligators prefer eating fat Americans rather than skinny Americans. He said the organization will change its current name to more accurately reflect the nature of the alligator study. According to Malone there is sufficient evidence to suggest that gators are more attracted to the fat cells of the obese. “If we can prove this, it will give Americans more reason to become skinny” said Malone.

Interviewed in his living room by Seven’s reporters, Max Sizeout said he felt the study about remote controls was just plain silly. The 5’-5”, 427 pound Sizeout said his remote broke a long time ago, but a 15 foot bamboo fishing pole he rigged up works very well for cycling through his televisions buttons. Max asked of no one in particular, “What are they gonna do next, ban fishing poles? If they do, I’ll just use a big stick off my pecan tree.”

According to Peter Wisenhimmer, the government spokesman for government funding of illogical projects, the government has funded far more stupid studies in the past. According to Wisenhimmer, “To point at this project in particular is a clear partisan effort by those that resist change and positive encouragement in the face of destructive behaviors. While we may believe that we know many things intuitively, the wise use of well spent money from US citizens has over the years revealed many things to be true that we expected were true from the beginning. It is a very settling feeling to give comfort to all Americans that they were right to begin with and I know they feel vindicated.”
I told Wisenhammer this sounded like a masterful verbal sleight of hand to fool the less sophisticated listener.
He said “Thank You.”


Reach said...


Your following is ever increasing and this is primarily due to your abilities. I read this post with much entertainment; however, half way through I realized that I had forgotten this was “Seven's Satire Report News” and not a report. What does this state about Seven’s ability?

You got me, buddy.



Stacy The Peanut Queen said... now I have to worry about alligators too???


Anonymous said...


also, here in australia there is a news channel called Seven, so it's pretty amusing to see your posts with the same name!

Seven said...

It's good to see you back and I trust all is well with Reach on the left coast?

Gators can be dismissed with your royal wand. BTW, I have seen photos of you and I think the gators will move on to those that are ACTUALLY fat.

I knew this would surprise you. Thankfully, maybe the Australian govt will leave the remotes alone.

Anonymous said...

But do they take into consideration the amount of energy spent looking for the damn remote? I'm just sayin'...

Later gator...

Seven said...

Oh my...I smell another government funded study. Very good point

Rick said...

Screw the fat, the gov't needs to cut a little pork. How 'bout a study on that? ;-)

Seven said...

It's gonna cost big time, and a fair share of pork sent to you and I for suggesting it in the first place.

~Deb said...

You know what's scary about this, Seven? It's the fact that people are basing weight loss and carlorie decrease by walking two feet. Or even just to move your overhead in your office higher, to increase movement in your cubical has become a 'new way' to improve weight loss. Whatever happened to rigorous exercise at the gym or even a treadmill? A brisk walk around the block after watching a good show. Or even reward yourself with an hour of TV after a good run. We simply forgot about exercise in itself.

Okay, my show's on, gotta go!

~Deb said...

Damn bunny ears have me exhausted!!!

~Deb said...

rigorous? vigorous? nevermind...

patti_cake said...

Seven you kill me! LOL

Anonymous said...

We've got 3 @*&$@! clickers for the TV, stero,and DVD stuff.
I've gotten a pretty good work out by throwing them frome time to time!
Also- we DO have to get up and WALK all the way over to the fridge or pantry to at least we've got that going for us :)

This was fun :)

Seven said...

I have satellite here, except I have one set in the bedroom that went unconnected under the arrangement I made with the satellite folks. I did that so I would have one set connected to a conventional television signal for emergencies when I have no satellite signal. And guess what is in my attic searching for the signal?
Right: Bunny ears!

BEG just rolls her eyes.

Wow, us too.....I have five remotes in the living room. I can use 2 for all the control I need...and...I can put those two down,pick up another two and do the same that's just stupid....

~Deb said...

Nothing wrong with that my friend. My house is set up with a huge old fashioned antenna up on our roof. So when the dish goes out- we have basic TV. I can just picture you adjusting your lil' rabbit ears! Put some weights on there and you have yourself a little bowflex machine! ;)