Friday, January 12, 2007

My Lucky Day...In a Stupid Kinda Way

Remember I told you I was going to a track meet in Lubbock? I didn’t go. Here’s why.

Arrived at Dallas Love Field Airport. Interrogated by a heavy set female TSA attendant. Chap Stick confiscated from my pocket. She sized me up and down trying to ascertain if I had criminal intent with regards to the Chap Stick. I walked through the security scan thingy wearing no shoes, no jacket, pockets of jeans turned inside out, banana republic t-shirt with no pockets. Second TSA genius wants to know if I am carrying any liquid greater than this or that amount. Yes stupid, in my bladder, would you like some?

Sitting at the chairs they place at the end of security so folks can dress again. What’s that smell? Too many shoes off, and I’m sure it’s not me. Fat man puts his belt back on. It disappears from site under a massive belly as he buckles it. Damn magician he is, a god durn disappearing belt trick! It could play in Vegas with some choreography.

Bought a bottle of airport concession water for $3.50. Good stuff, thank you so much, here’s your Vaseline back. Standing at a urinal while Mr. Happy Goatee guy next to me stares down at my equipment and asks if I am from Dallas. Double-time walking from bathroom, long ago dismissed homophobia fears ablaze. Standing behind a West Texas matron going home to Lubbock…”my gran kids was soo excited to see their maw-maw came all the way out to Daaa-llas. Now I getta go on home to my daddy, and hell he’s jus lik havin anuther grankid, so I gues I ain’t really changing jobs er nuthin, just changing cities…”

Gate agent tells us “Ya’ll the weather in Lubbock is not so good rat now. But I think it will be OK for us if you leave pretty soon”….Did she mean that just like she said it?....Lubbock natives going home tell heartwarming stories of yesteryear regarding Lubbock weather. I finished the $3.50 water and noticed Mr. Goatee smiling at me…shit he’s goin to Lubbock.

Southwest boarding agent herds us toward Flight 24 aircraft. I pass the pilot talking on the jetway phone, he’s laughing and saying “Don’t you have any good news for me?”

Bangin along behind the crowd that appears to have no idea where they are supposed to sit or put their things….it looks like a casting audition for extras that can act like they have never been on an airplane before…..Maw-Maw is talking on her cell phone telling the grankids that Maw-Maw is goin ‘bye-bye on the big plane’ while she stands motionless in the aisle with 123 people waiting behind her. In my seat now. Back of the damned plane. Turn on I-Pod shuffle for exactly 7 seconds when I am interrupted by the same pilot I saw earlier.

“Folks, I’m not going to lie to you, the weather in Lubbock is real bad rat now. FAA sez we kaint even leave Daaalllas until the fog lifts in Lubbock and the winds settles down a little. It might be 10 minutes and it might be hours, I’ll be getting back to ya’ll in a minute…….(5 minutes later) “Well folks it looks like they want yall to get off the plane for jus now. Looks like the Lubbock airport has been closed down for a while.”

Banging back down the plane aisle dragging backpacks and wondering why in God’s name we were put on the plane to begin with…DUH……I guess that Lubbock weather kinda snuck up on them ‘ninja like’…..Gate agent says “I’m being told that the weather in Lubbock is gonna get even worse yall. If you still want to go on this flight it could be a lot later before we can go.” …Think, think, think…what is Seven to do? Go to Lubbock late? Wait it out with the crowd from Flight 24? Go home and forget about it?

Seven decides he is not going to icy Lubbock.

Standing in a long long line to ask questions of the gate agent that is no longer happy….Immensely obese women in front of me wonders if she drove to Midland and caught a plane to Amarillo maybe her kinfolks could fetch her by car back to Lubbock? The gate agent tells her she really doesn’t know the answer to that one. Turn in my boarding pass while the fat lady thinks things over. I get a voucher for a next time flight. Call the hotel in Lubbock and explain to the young girl that answers that her airport in Lubbock is closed and so I can’t come from Dallas. She asks if I want to cancel the reservation??? Uh, no sweetie I’m gonna walk on up there in the rain and ice for 400 miles and I’m figuring I’ll be plenty tired, so save that room for me……On second thought give me 7 nights I’ll just stay a while and watch the ice melt.

Drive back to my house. Phone rings. Seven?....Yes….”This is Wayne, the track meet has been cancelled by Texas Tech.”…….Thanks Wayne, I’m sure glad I’m at home instead of on a plane bound for Lubbock where the roads are icy and I have nothing to do….except maybe I could go visit with Maw-Maw and Daddy at their place.

And that is what happened to Seven on Friday.

I finally made a correct decision!

See what I mean?

It was my lucky day in a stupid way.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, Seven, but that is the funniest tale of fortune-misfortune I've read in a while.

Good thing you're fast...or else Happy Goatee would have caught you!

I once sat on the tarmac in Dallas for 5+ hours. Big fun that was. They kept giving us updates til finally they let us off the plane and back into the airport to duke it out at the ticket counters.

Oh..and yeah...I met the Fish. HE came to Minneapolis. :-) I'm a fan.

Seven said...

Yea, I love the way Fish writes. I'm a fan too. Have a great weekend!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you had a LOT of fun on your trip...

I hate sneaky weather....

Enemy of the Republic said...

If you are happy, I'm happy. Thanks for your good wishes. I am getting better. Before I could barely sit up. Thanks for the info on Lubbock. Living near nice people more than makes up for whatever ugly terrain it may have.

Anonymous said...

Luck is a funny thing-
Glad you didn't get trapped in Lubbock :)
I wonder why the chick took your chapstick- that's not a liquid!

I think everyone is sweet on you~
Correct decisions are good :)

Anonymous said...

Well, well, well. Now I get it.

I had a feeling when I read the previous post that the meet might be canceled after watching the weather reports. But I figured you'd already be there and get stranded! Glad you're home safe and warm and funny. Have a good weekend!!

Anonymous said...

very funny story....

well I guess it wasn't too funny at the time for you.

glad you made the right decision.

Rick said...

Lady Luck loves ya, man... go buy a Lotto ticket. RAT NOW.

Seven said...

I am a little disappointed because the meet Texas Tech gives us is really fun and well done.

Lubbock does win on that score. The people (generalizing) are lovely souls in every way.

She splained to me that the Chap Stik has to go through the belt scanner. It can't go thru the scanner thingy that people walk thru. Beats me??? She gave it back, but it had to go thru the ordeal of security alone.

And..I see it is bad practically all over the country, cept for Florida.

Silent Girl,
I know you are accustomed to snow and ice in Canada, but in Texas it is a major freak-out for us.

Mr. Leonard,
Not really, I think I mostly just dumbed into this one and have the FAA to thank (for a change). Brown eyed girl is actually pretty lucky at things though....when that happens she's MY GIRL!

mindy said...

oh how i love to fly, esp. on southwest going from/to small texas towns. ugh.

Seven said...

Hi Mindy,
I see you are in Texas, so you should know this!

patti_cake said...

That was the funniest set of circumstances I have read in a long time!

Seven said...

Wish you coulda been there

Anonymous said...

Once, on a trip from Rochester, NY to Orlando, FL we got laid over in Atlanta because of some tornadoes. Our flight was "delayed" and they changed our gate. For the next 4½ hours, they kept changing our gate, each time at least two or three gates further "south." At one point, I asked the agent behind the counter if they were just trying to make us walk to Orlando, one gate at a time. No sense of humor, that one...

The smart money is almost always on "don't go" when they say "...could me minutes, could be hours."

Looks like you were smarter than the average bear, since said "bear" apparently was interested in your equipment. :)

Seven said...

I agree, "could be hours, could be minutes" is conclusive proof that no one is in control except mother nature. I have often assumed a submissive posture with Mother Nature.
I hope that isn't construed as an anti-gay comment, though I can see how it would be. On second examination, I think it is probably much more about rudeness and boundaries than sexual orientation. I guess the equivalent is someone staring under your stall to see what's going on; just makes you uncomfortable, know what I mean?