Wednesday, October 12, 2005

My crotch feels weird

Ever want to know why baseball players spit all the time.

My wife wants to know. Every time we watch a game together.

“EEEWWWW” she will say “Why do they do that all the time?”

“EEEWWWW”, did you see that?

She’s asking me because I spent the first 19 years of my life playing the game. When I turned 36, I took it up again in the Senior Baseball League.

I don’t know why we they spit so much. I really don’t. I’ll do some research and get back to you on that one. I wasn’t a spitter.

Most women that watch baseball want to know something else.

Why are they always adjusting their crotches? They do this regularly on national TV. There is even a Saturday Night Live skit about this cultural oddity.

I know the answer to this. No kidding. I do.

I should say this; I know why I adjusted my crotch on the baseball field.
Look at this, especially you girls. It’s called a cup. Yes, I know it doesn’t have a handle.
This has nothing to do with bondage and discipline. Unless you want it to. Hold on Discipline Girl…don’t even go there. You stuff this cup inside an athletic supporter, aka ‘jock strap’, and you wear it. Down there.

Well it is actually a form of bondage I suppose. I don’t know about the discipline part. The question at play here is do I want to put my gentlemen parts into this container, or do I want my gentlemen parts to be smacked by a very hard baseball. If you are wondering, all three members of the family are incarcerated together. Same cell....err....cup.

My baseball position was catcher. For those of you who are strangers to the game, the catcher is the one dressed funny in all the protective gear. He squats behind the hitter. He catches the ball if the hitter fails to actually hit it. We are a peculiar, but hardy species. We rarely spit, due to the mask on our face.

Catchers wear cups. We’re smarter than we look. Well, not in all cases actually.

There is no way to place your gentlemen parts in one of these plastic hells and keep them happy. Your parts will protest. They will fight with your cup. Never any telling which side is winning; it’s a never ending war. It's Ralph and Alice Cramden.

This is where the adjusting comes in. The player wearing the cup is the referee of this struggle. The combatants need constant attention. Think of him as a counselor to a bad marriage. He's trying to help both parties understand the others needs.

Close your eyes girls. NOT YET. WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED READING THE INSTRUCTIONS. Imagine a rigid unyielding plastic bra. Imagine that it comes in two sizes. Choose one of the sizes. Put your plastic bra around your breasts and strap it on tight enough (yes even if it doesn't fit) that you can sprint around, swing a bat and spit a lot. See what I mean?

Feel free to explain this to your girlfriends. Knowledge is power.

Now Do You Get It…….maybe?

As far as these St Louis Cardinals players (who appear to be very good friends) , well I’m not going there. Ever.

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