Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Celebrating our privates

An argument broke out recently between the Reverend Jerry Falwell and a college campus recruiter for the US Army.

Falwell was on campus at a local college to preach a message on sexual abstinence to the campus Gay Alliance annual meeting. The Alliance had not actually invited Falwell, but Falwell said it was important that America understand that even if you might be gay, abstinence is what God would want you to practice, at least until you are married. He hoped they would allow him to speak.

When one of the Gay Alliance members asked Falwell, “Does that mean you are in favor of gay marriage,” Falwell was forced to confess he was not, and that the student had figured out his clever ‘no sex for gays ever’ trick.

The trouble between Falwell and the campus Army recruiter began when Falwell, leaving the campus, objected to the slogan on the banner at the recruiting table.

The slogan, recently approved by Army recruiters, read “We are proud of our privates”

The argument overhead by several students reportedly went like this.

Falwell: This is the most outrageous example of godlessness I can imagine. The very idea that the Army would announce it is proud of its privates is everything that is wrong with America today.

Recruiter: Oh no sir! We are in fact extremely proud of our privates. The army could not function without the work our privates do for us every day.

Falwell: Your organization can certainly function without your privates doing any work. That’s just ridiculous. You should spend more time praying and less time thinking about your privates.

Recruiter: Sir, I can assure that without our privates doing the remarkable job that they do the Army would not function well at all. And besides we do pray that our privates will perform in the finest ways imaginable under the hardest of conditions.

Falwell: My Lord, well, I encourage you to at least try it my way. Forget about your privates.

Recruiter: But sir, our privates are all over the place on American bases. We also expose our privates to practically every nation on earth in one way or another.

Falwell: Well, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. Having your privates engaged in activity all over the world is just disgusting and vile.

Recruiter: Sir, I don’t think I understand your point. Secretary Rumsfeld and President Bush both cherish their privates. The army depends on them.

Falwell: You depend on Rumsfeld’s and Bush’s privates? That doesn’t make any sense to me.

Recruiter: Also sir, our program has just invested in new technologies, nutrition and exercise programs to help increase the overall physical size and stamina of our privates.

Falwell: What??? The government is spending money on increasing the size of your privates?

Recruiter: Oh yes sir, size and endurance! We have found that larger and stronger privates are to our advantage.

Falwell: I’m going to need that training program right away. Errr….it’s for my nephew.

Recruiter: No problem sir, but he will have to join the army.

Falwell: I’m too old for that…..Errr…..I mean my nephew is too old…..wait a minute……I mean he is too young.

Recruiter: I have to go now sir.