Thursday, December 29, 2005

"Oh My God" you're naked

I got tagged by her royal blogness the Peanut Queen to report on 5 weird habits of mine.
Oh yes, my yes, I have been called weird before.

This is no problem. Well, on second thought it did occur to me that the vast range of humans out there might have varying opinions about what is actually weird. My weirdness may well pale in comparison to your own, or I may freak you out. So now I enter the chore with some anxiety and dubiousity. Yes, I know dubiousity is not really a word, but I like it and so I’m using it.

This is like being atttacked by an evil tattle-tale twin brother.

Out of reverential respect to her highness, 5 weird habits of mine:

1. I still listen to Van Morrison. He is in his sixties I think and I in my fifties. I don’t think anyone really listens to him anymore, except me. However, he is still recording CD’s and I think he only prints one copy; which I buy.

2. I go naked in my backyard. All the time. It’s hot in Texas 9 months of the year. There is a swimming pool back there and an 8 foot privacy fence. Fortunately for the neighbors you can’t see in unless you really, really try. You are all invited to join me....errr....the chicks I mean.
There used to be a teenage girl in the family that lived behind us. They had a volleyball net in the backyard and one day convergent with my swimming nakedness a whole gaggle of her teenage friends were playing volleyball. Naturally the ball got knocked over the fence into my yard. A 16 year old pretty faced female head popped up over the top of the fence, looked at me and screeched “Oh My God, you’re naked!” She disappeared and I heard the high pitched frequency of females exchanging important information, followed by hysterical giggling like you might hear had one of them farted loudly during a slumber party pillow fight.

3. I participate in masters track and field. I am a member of the Houston Elite Track Club. That’s right, 30, 40, 50, 60 years and older men and women racing one another on the track. Before you laugh, I am faster than you really imagine......but yep, it’s certainly weird.

4. I don’t say goodbye when I end a conversation on the phone. Several times people have called me back to see if the conversation was actually over. Don’t they go to the movies? No one in the movies says goodbye on the telephone. Usually a federal agent in the movies is given a very long address where the bad guy is located. He just mutters OK and then hangs up the phone. I do that too, but it doesn’t work out so well in real life. I learned it from my mom. My mom freaks my wife out doing this. Mom and I should be in the movies.

5. Remember during the Iraqi war (when it was full blown) and they asked people to donate baby wipes or wet wipes? If it’s good enough for the military it’s good enough for me. I decided to buy some and not send them to Iraq. I used them on my own back-end instead. Liked it. Use them all the time now. Don’t know now why people use toilet paper, I mean, how uncivilized is that?
I did rename them. I call them “butt-wipes.” My wife and I both got into the habit of calling them butt wipes. We went to the store one day for supplies. A saleslady asked if we were finding everything. Without a moment’s thought I asked her “Where are the butt-wipes?” She pointed toward her boss so I don’t think she understood.
I use butt-wipes exclusively now. I have to figure out how to carry and conceal them everywhere I go, just like a gun but more useful. My wife sez that’s really, really weird.

I’m just getting warmed up, but PQ said 5 things. I wonder why 5? That's a weird number.


Seven said...

Professor Shapiro,
I lost your comment because I had to republish. And it was such a nice one! As always!

Memphis said...

Master track, eh? Naked in the backyard, eh?

Naked Masters Track, that's what's next I tell ya.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hey, if I had a pool and an 8 foot privacy fence in my backyard, you can bet your butt-wiped ass I'd be swimming nekkid there too! :)

And please, feel free to list any more weird things your do...they're pretty damn entertaining! :)

Seven said...

This is not a pretty picture you paint....ummm except for a couple of mid-30's female middle distance runners I can think might be on to something after all....

Ever the magical phrase master, eh? A butt wiping fine comment!