Rick Satire Report News
Barry Bonds has had enough of being branded as a cheater. Bonds let the whole world know in a press conference yesterday that he is prepared to fight back.
During the press conference reporters refused to back off questioning Bonds about his alleged steroid use over the past few years. The final straw occurred when a reporter questioned him about the impending career home run record he is set to break.
According to sources the reporter asked Bonds if he felt he had cheated his way into the record books. In a firm voice, Bonds dropped the bombshell no one expected.
Bonds openly declared he had been given secret information that many of the sportswriters in the room, including his questioner, had been using ‘spell-check’ on a regular basis when composing their articles.
“The time has come to fight back”, declared Bonds, “I have been patient with these allegations for a long time, but the very idea that a reporter with a journalism degree would resort to a computer spelling words for them sickens me and it should sicken any fair minded American.” Bonds went on to state that the profession of sports reporting now has an enormous problem to solve and that many individual reporters have a lot of questions to answer themselves. Bonds went on to call for mandatory spell testing for all sports reporters.
Contacted at his home in California, the Reverend Jesse Jackson said the current use of spell-check by journalist began with the Bush administrations failures in placing African Americans in high profile positions. Reminded that President Bush has had two successive Secretaries of State that are black, Jackson said Powell and Rice “don’t count.”
Ralph Nader also expressed concern about the relative safety of spell - check, expressing grave concerns that it could catch every misspelled word every time. He said this requires government checks on the safety of spell-check and the development of appropriate safety warnings.
Bonds agent says the slugger will continue to point out other cheaters in our society, including corporate employees that take home post-it notes for personal use.