Sunday, March 19, 2006

Bonds Drops A Bombshell On Reporters

Rick Satire Report News
Scottsdale, Arizona

Barry Bonds has had enough of being branded as a cheater. Bonds let the whole world know in a press conference yesterday that he is prepared to fight back.

During the press conference reporters refused to back off questioning Bonds about his alleged steroid use over the past few years. The final straw occurred when a reporter questioned him about the impending career home run record he is set to break.

According to sources the reporter asked Bonds if he felt he had cheated his way into the record books. In a firm voice, Bonds dropped the bombshell no one expected.

Bonds openly declared he had been given secret information that many of the sportswriters in the room, including his questioner, had been using ‘spell-check’ on a regular basis when composing their articles.

“The time has come to fight back”, declared Bonds, “I have been patient with these allegations for a long time, but the very idea that a reporter with a journalism degree would resort to a computer spelling words for them sickens me and it should sicken any fair minded American.” Bonds went on to state that the profession of sports reporting now has an enormous problem to solve and that many individual reporters have a lot of questions to answer themselves. Bonds went on to call for mandatory spell testing for all sports reporters.

Contacted at his home in California, the Reverend Jesse Jackson said the current use of spell-check by journalist began with the Bush administrations failures in placing African Americans in high profile positions. Reminded that President Bush has had two successive Secretaries of State that are black, Jackson said Powell and Rice “don’t count.”

Ralph Nader also expressed concern about the relative safety of spell - check, expressing grave concerns that it could catch every misspelled word every time. He said this requires government checks on the safety of spell-check and the development of appropriate safety warnings.

Bonds agent says the slugger will continue to point out other cheaters in our society, including corporate employees that take home post-it notes for personal use.


patti_cake said...

Lord the scary thing is this COULD be true! LOL
I don't know how I really feel about the steroid thing. I guess I really don't care. I've never been a big baseball fan i'm more of a football fan but all overpaid athletes annoy me (Exception: Brett Favre)

Seven said...

Hmmmm..and do u care to share with everyone just what it is about Brett, that rings your doorbell? Big agreement on the overpaid thing and I LOVE baseball, but the only way to bring the salaries down is to quit going to games and watching on TV.
However some of the most excitement is produced right now with NCAA basketball by unpaid college athletes.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Crap! I knew I'd get nabbed for those damn post-it notes!!!

My bad....

Grant said...

I used to accidentally steal pens from the office. I had a habit of putting one in my pocket for when I was working on the production floor and needed one, then I would go home with it, realize it was still in my pocket, and lay it on a table next to the door. The next day I would forget to return it and repeat until I had a pile of pens so large I couldn't miss them in the morning and brought the lot back. I'm in a new job that doesn't require the use of an ink pen and I spend my extra time blogging and using the Internet, so there is no more company theft happening here.

Seven said...

Stacy and Grant,
Just remember Barry is watching You!

patti_cake said...

Well besides his physical attributes Brett just seems like an average guy to me. I've never heard anything bad about him (i.e. he was rude to a fan, acted inappropriately in public etc.) sure he had a pill problem but he admitted it and got help. He has also on more than one occasion taken a pay cut to keep other "talent" on the team. "Talent" that may I add is no longer with the team yet he is. He just seems like a really nice humble guy for a professional athlete. Something rare. Don't even get me started on basketball. (Pro). Gone are the days of the greats like Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Bill Laimbeer, Michael Jordan, Robert Parrish. These clowns out there now, Alan Iverson etc. with their bling~bling. Meh. Okay i'll hop down off my soapbox now. Sorry.

Aims said...

Oh pant's I'd better take them post-it notes back!!! Excellent post my friend!!

Seven said...

The story in our area about Jerry Jones and the Cowboys signing Terrell Owens tells us all we need to know. Often bad behavior is rewarded. Only when it stops will the problem go away. That's not likely so you make a compelling point that when the individual governs their own behavior because of their personal dignity and social get the good and the likes of a Brett Favre or Cal Ripken. Good point.

Seven said...

Always learning from you. The expression Oh Pants! sound really fun to say...though I've no clue what it means.....don't worry bout the post-its I bet they will still love you at work.

Reach said...

Unfortunately, with the Micro-Soft friendly, voice activated, digital recording systems to automatically macro into Word documents; (whew), the professional athletes, college graduate- none the less, maintain a vocabulary skill that requires spell check.

In the lines of the typical “Red-neck” jokes; if your spell check does allow the terms “Which ya”, or “Impotant”, you might be a sports reporter!


Seven said...

There is a funny thought....voice recognition trying to work on a Foxworthy skit...

patti_cake said...

Hoo Boy that would go over about as well as one legged man in an ass kicking contest! Hee!

Seven said...

I once made an arrest of a man that I swear had one leg; and told me "If I don't get to take my prosthetic to the jail cell, I'm gonna kick somebody's ass!"
Boy you talk about choking down laughter.
True story.

patti_cake said...

You have more self control than me I would have A) busted out in hysterics B) Peed my pants or C) passed out from trying to hold it in. I cannot control laughter AT ALL.