Saturday, March 11, 2006

Mildred Comes Out

Rick Report News
Marble Falls, Kansas
Mildred Brennen is a lady making changes. The 87 year old grandmother from Marble Falls, Kansas has decided she is gay.

Mildred was watching reruns of Will & Grace in her one bedroom apartment late on a Sunday evening last year when the idea came to her. She says she had become increasingly aware that she identified strongly with the character Grace and wished more men were gay so they wouldn’t always be pestering her for sex.

Wishing more men were gay made her realize she would need to be gay also if the balance of things in Kansas were going to be kept from turning ‘upsy daisy’.

Mildred next signed up for a consultation with the local Gay Alliance ‘life coach’and was given instruction about how to go back in the past and discover her true feelings. In doing so she remembered the little girl at church in 1926 that wore the red and white striped dress on Easter morning. Mildred says, “I was so attracted to that little dress, I just knew I wanted it for myself.” Her life coach and fellow lesbian Melody Lulling, sitting in on the interview, reminded her that it was actually the little girl she was attracted to. “No,” replied Mildred, “I wanted that damned dress I tell ya.”

Mildred’s relatives have taken the news with difficulty. “It’s not that Grandma is gay", said her grandson Michael Makin, “it’s just that it took her so long to decide this that it makes all of us 15 grandchildren feel a little hoodwinked, I mean nobody at school has a gay grandma, it’s a little embarrassing since she put the ‘Come Out’ sticker on her wheelchair. I really don’t want her to come to this years cake walk at the school, but she always insists on baking a cake and hugging whoever wins it.”

A fellow octogenarian at her apartment complex, Cecil Crotchwell, was crestfallen at the news. According to sources he had already bought Mildred’s valentine card and the card store wouldn’t refund his money. The sources disclosed that Cecil quickly regrouped and declared his intentions for Agnes Morehead, Mildred’s cousin, even if she isn’t as pretty as Mildred. “At least she still likes fellas,” Cecil said. “And besides I already have the card.”

For Mildred’s part she says it is all just fine with her since she hasn’t had sex in 33 years anyway. Besides she said, “I get a helluva lot more attention being gay than I ever got by not being gay.” With that she swung her motorized wheelchair around and headed for the Gay Alliance breakroom, her multi-colored balloon, tied to the wheelchair back, flowed along behind her.

End of Report


Aims said...

You have just got to love this post!!! Ha ha ha!! Excellent! Some people! that is all I can say!

Seven said...

Hi Aims,
Since I find myself laughing regularly over at your site, I'm glad I was able to entertain you....

Spider Girl said...

Heh heh, funny post!

I can see Mildred is one of those wild ladies that wears purple too. :)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Awwww, poor Mr. Crotchwell!


Seven said...

Spider Girl,
I think Mildred would look lovely in anything...

Knew I could count on you to see the injustice and inhumanity in the story. Sad sad day for Cecil, I agree.

a fish on a bycicle said...

I was beginning to doubt, but "Cecil Crotchwell"!! I'm sorry, I'm howling with laughter. I can't wait to get in a home and scheme, and involve the press - can we collaborate?

Reach said...

News alert, they are banning the TV show "Will and Grace" from most "retirement homes".

I do not know where you found this have me in stitches.

Is that a poster of "Broke Back Mountain" in the back ground?


Seven said...

Colin and Reach,
I have an occasional habit of inventing cultural satire. Don't google this one, I made it all up. Hope you still like it though.

Seven said...

I used Photoshop to drop the poster into the background. If you look close you will see a 'come out' sticker on the wheelchair. That took longer than the Brokedick poster.

patti_cake said...

Okay i'm WAY gullible (and obviously slightly blind also) but I was believing this as real .....

Seven said...

Patti Cake,
If you want it to be real, then just let it be's OK...;-)