Monday, March 13, 2006

Poor Mark

Rick Report News
Landover, Maryland
Mark Jakins of Landover, Maryland knows he has a small penis. For much of his life, while the situation concerned him, it did not create a threat to his mental well being. Recently however his knowledge of being the owner of a below average size penis has been reinforced by internet web sites.

Jakins had noticed that the email spam he received often offered advice on how to create a larger and more virile penis. When he went to the advertised websites to find out about the secrets of a bigger penis, he was confronted with the awful truth. There were many photos of well built handsome men with normal size penises, gleefully displaying them to the less fortunate like himself.

According to Jakins the fact that he has a small penis was not something he had told a lot of people about. However after seeing the normal size penises at ‘’ Jakins said “I felt like I needed a sounding board for this unfortunate twist of fate, so I began to reach out to friends and others.”

Jakins found his male friends were indifferent. According to his friend Joe Granlow, “I told Mark, like dude, I’m sorry you got like a small tool, but I don’t want to see it and discuss it dude, you know it just kind of gave me the heebies. I told Mark I was really sorry though.”

“You know, no one wanted to discuss the size of my penis with me, I even tried to talk about it with the girls at work” said Jakins. “I told them in all candor that it was small and I was concerned about it but I just couldn’t get anyone interested in the subject. My inner turmoil continued to grow to the point that not having had sex with a girl in the past 8 years seemed like a real blessing.”

Then the worst thing of all happened when his friend Amber from accounting told him that everyone in the building had been talking about his small penis since he had brought the subject up with so many people. She said a lot of the girls wanted to know if it was really teeny but no one could find a girl that knew.

“I knew right away that if girls were asking if it was really teeny, then size really does matter,” said Jakins.

At this point Jakins has subscribed to several penis enhancement sites but so far is having little success with the techniques. “To my disappointment my initial measurement of 7-3/4 inches erect has not changed in any way. I find all of this just almost too much to handle. It appears I’m doomed to a life of solitary masturbation. I would just be too embarrassed to show myself to a girl. I’m really glad I read my email or I would not have even known to be embarrassed. I have considered becoming a priest but I’m told that they often show their erections to young boys and how humiliating would that be, you know what I mean?”

Making things worse, Jakins says that his bumper sticker campaign has been a disaster. “I thought the slogan ‘Honk if you love small weiners’ might help men with small penises feel like there were others like us, but so far I haven’t sold a single bumper sticker.”
End of Rick's Report


Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Somehow the failure of the bumper stickers sales doesn't surprise me AT ALL. ;)

March 14, 2006 at 7:06 AM  
Blogger Horny Old Guy said...

Ah that is such a sad that only those of us with small weiners can truly apprectiate! Cheers!

March 14, 2006 at 9:21 AM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

I am wiping away tears of mirth at this Rick. Hah. Poor Mark.

March 14, 2006 at 9:32 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...


There must be a support group somewhere...

March 14, 2006 at 8:53 PM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

What??? Now all the sudden Mark is shy and wants to hide his identity??? ;)

March 15, 2006 at 6:47 AM  
Blogger Seven said...

It sems Mark has made his own situation with the public at this's just that I personally felt bad for him...

March 15, 2006 at 7:29 AM  
Blogger Denny Shane said...

How many times do I have to say this... it's not the size of the magicians wand but the magic in it.

And that's all I'm gonna say! lol

March 15, 2006 at 7:52 AM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

Go Denny! Go Denny!

March 15, 2006 at 8:43 AM  
Blogger Seven said...

Yep, and if you read carefully, Mark is in possession of 7-3/4" hence the basis of the satire. I wrote this piece satirically about the larger penis industry preying on the fears of perfectly normal peopl

March 15, 2006 at 8:51 AM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

That's right's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean!

(That was bad, wasn't it???;)

March 16, 2006 at 8:09 AM  
Blogger superlong said...

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April 18, 2006 at 11:59 PM  

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