Friday, March 17, 2006

Elderly Man Arrested For Driving Like A Young Man

Rick Satire Report News
Dallas Police Headquarters
Dallas, Texas

Police in Dallas reported yesterday that an elderly man, 87 years of age, was arrested for driving like a young person.

The driver, Holcumb Stanley, said he had no idea why the patrol officer was pulling him over.

Dallas PD officer Anthony ‘Radar’ Brightone said the dispatcher had received a flurry of calls from cell phone users describing an elderly man driving as if he were young.

One caller told the dispatcher that the elderly man was driving faster than the speed limit and did not have a turn signal stuck in a continuously blinking position. Officer Brightone said it is unusual for a man of Stanley’s age to be doing either one of these things, which according to Brightone, “naturally raises a person’s suspicions.”

Another caller said she had observed Stanley turn into a parking lot without once stopping his vehicle while only part way into the lot.

Yet another outraged caller declared that Stanley did not pull out in front of him at a slow rate of speed when he had the opportunity.

After jailing Stanley, Officer Brightone explained that he is required to protect the public’s safety and can’t simply ignore an elderly man driving like a young man. He explained, “It’s far too dangerous for the average driver that has come to expect a normal pattern of elderly driving behavior from a man his age.”

Mr. Stanley, following his release, said he will ride around with his elderly cousin Jeremiah to get a better feel for what is required of him.

End of Rick’s Report


Grant said...

All old people need to learn their place. It's always good to see the police acting as regulators of "normal" behaviour instead of just upholding the existing laws. :p

BTW, the formula for calculating "old" is MyCurrentAge + 1.

patti_cake said...

Good one Rick! You are brightening up an otherwise dreary day. :) I still haven't found a willing leprechaun yet though Denny did volunteer but something about his shillelagh ....

Seven said...

Patti Cake
I suggest you try an Irish bar later this should find several drunken leppies or a close approximation willing to dance astride yer lap...Good Luck...(I think)

I think you got it! Please translate for the is the little instructor by the way?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh no!!! Whatever you do, don't send him our way....we have MORE than enough elderly people here creating havock on the highways!!!


Seven said...

Don't worry. He is seroius I think about riding around with Jeremiah to see how to drive old...

Reach said...

What a high! Your humor is gaining that higher level. "You're killing me, here." This was great.

They made no reference to Mr. Stanley's music volume.

I never knew what Laurence Welk would sound like on a 2500 Watt system.


LC Scotty said...


You're starting to give FrankJ over at IMAO (unfair, unbalanced and unmedicated) a run in the humor department. Keep up the good work.

Jenn said...

Another gem! I love it!!

Definitely got the endorphines flowing...laughter...well, that and chocolate are my only hopes these days!

Seven said...

I should try for a funny chocolate satire?? ;-)

Jenn said...

Rick - not sure I could handle the endorphine rush of the combination. :-)

I'm taking baby steps back into the world of endorphines...after going so long without...don't want to over do it.


Sandra said...

Rick you're giving The Onion a run for it's money. This is priceless.